Freaks
by SkyLandOcean
Summary: Sequel to Keyblade Korner. When the gang have to live in three units, all types of mayhem erupt. From Sora trying to win Kairi back, Gus trying to cook Donald, or Stacey hating Kairi. Can they overcome this and be able to live with eachother? OC Innuendo
1. The One With The Moving In

Hello, SkyLandOcean and Bro here with a new fanfiction! It is the sequel to the (Decently) acclaimed fanfiction Keyblade Korner. Enough chit chat, (Or tip-type as it is) and on with it!

Disclaimer: We don't own Kingdom Hearts or anything else referenced within the fanfiction. That's why it's called FANFICTION, not a video game script, lovies!

Bro: That's it! (Puts on a clown costume) Hey, sis, look at me!

SkyLandOcean: ARRGH! DIE! (Hits him)

**XXXXXXXXXXXX**

_"So no one told you life was going to be this way._

_You're stuffed in the head, your mother's dead, you're love life's DOA._

_You don't remember who you hold dear,_

_Well, it hasn't been your day, your week, your month, or even your year._

_But, I'll be there for you, when you're hit by a train_

_I'll be there for you, when Stacey throws a fit_

_I'll be there for you, cause you're there for me too."_

**XXXXXXXXXX**

Riku sighed loudly, as he dumped his pink suitcase on the floor of the apartment. He stretched his shoulders, and gazed around.

"What the hell is that?" asked Sora, pointing at it.

"Riku," said Stacey, snickering as she removed her backpack "I didn't know you were a Barbie Girl."

"Oh, yes, she gets me through those long and lonely nights... plotting revenge against the female stereotype." he added, as Stacey stared at him blankly.

"I thought Barbie had a puncture." said Sora, laughing. Stacey laughed too, causing Riku quite some embarrassment.

"Why couldn't we just stay at your house, Sora?" asked Stacey, looking at the brunette.

"Well,-" Sora was cut off as his mother ran into the room, clutching a soft toy penguin, before bowing down before it.

"All hail the purple hippo!" she yelled. She then quickly stood up, and cocked her head to the left. "Mister Flibble has spoken!" She then smashed through the sliding door and fell to her death.

"Dude, is she fuckin' dead?" asked Stacey, poking her head out and gazing nonchalantly at the human pancake.

"I'd say so."

"Welp, she dead. That was funny." said Sora.

"Dude, your mum just died!" cried Stacey, shocked at him.

"So did yours, on national television, no less."

"Touché."

"Let's just get moved in." said Riku, tired from the long trip.

"Bagsie the big room!" yelled Sora, picking up his suitcase and running across the hall.

"No, I do!" yelled Stacey, grabbing his hair and pulling him to the ground. She picked up her backpack and guitar, before running past Sora, pausing to kick him in the ribs.

Sora pulled himself up, and followed her. "Hey! I already said!" He entered the room.

Stacey sighed. "Fine." she said, pulling out a box of matches. She lit one, and dropped it onto the sheets, which quickly burst into angry flames. Sora was devastated.

"Okay, you can have it."

"No, I'll take the other one."

"Well, I don't want it."

"Well, neither do I!"

Both of them then leaned out of the doorway. "Riku, your bedroom's on fire."

"Oh, heavy man." said Riku, dousing the flames with a bottle of water. "Not again. How did it happen?

"Mister Flibble and the Hamster Cult did it." said Sora, slamming the door of his new bedroom.

**XXXXXXXXX**

"Housewarming!" yelled a very high voice.

"Who is it?" asked Riku, flipping the peephole open. He saw a big headed Namine, with a huge blue eye staring at him. He shuddered, and opened the door.

"Hey Nami." he said, letting her in. He noticed that she had a notebook around her neck and a pen, but thought nothing of it. Maybe she drafted her drawings in it before completing them. He had no idea what was really on the pages.

"Does anyone have green hair dye? And just out of interest, where is Olette?"

"I think that she's out shopping. Why?"

"Excellent." said Namine, placing a bottle of lemonade and a packet of cheese and onion crisps onto the counter. Kairi entered the room with a bottle of Pepsi and a chocolate cake.

"Hiyaz!" she said, putting it with the crisps.

"Guess what?" asked Namine.

"What?" asked Stacey, lazily. Like she cared what these feminine bitches said.

"We just got a lease on the apartment next door!" squealed Namine, jumping up and down. Sora caught a glimpse of a few words on a page.

" 'Tell him that there is a fancy dress party, and get him an outfit. When he sees the costume, he will be shocked, but say it was the only one left. Boy oh boy, will the WW2 veterans at the meeting be shocked when they see Hitler walk in...' Namine, what the hell?"

"It's nothing!" yelled Namine, tearing the page out and eating it.

"But I don't get it. You already have your own house." said Stacey, strumming her guitar and contemplating to hit her with it.

"Yeah, but my parents put me into an asylum, what they thought was an asylum, thinking I still had an imaginary friend." said Kairi, gesturing at Namine.

"But they can see her clear as day!" cried Riku.

"Yeah, but they're morons. Why do you think they sent me here, instead of Happy Acres NutJob Facility? Idiots."

"I am a man!" yelled Roxas, entering the apartment. He placed a bottle of Fanta and a box of party pies on the counter.

"What are you on about, you idiot?" asked Stacey "The only one here who's a man is Riku!"

"What?" asked Riku, not quite believing what he'd heard.

"I said 'I'm big and tough'!" Stacey then picked up her guitar and started slowly towards the sliding glass door, before running right at it, jerking it open and standing on the balcony. She quickly looked over her shoulder to see if they were still staring.

"I think Stacey likes you." said Kairi.

"Of course she likes me. I slept with her!"

"Doesn't ANYONE wanna hear?" asked Roxas, throwing his arms up. "And I'm NOT a virgin! I did it after the ball with Namine!"

"Shut up!" said Namine "And stop putting wine and drugs in my soft drinks! I'll do it when I want to!"

"That'll be the day!" yelled Roxas, angry.

SLAP!

"_I'm so happy 'cuz I'm a gummi bear, gummi bear!" _ Roxas woke up when Riku dumped a cup of water on him.

"Fine, tell us you idiot." said Namine.

"I live in an apartment with two hot chicks! I smell shenagigans!"

"Like what? Sexy ones?" asked Riku, his eyes growing wider.

"I'm waiting for the right time." said Sora, proudly "Unlike Riku, who did it in a janitor's closet with a girl he'd known for two weeks!"

"Hey, what I saw in there makes up for it."

"What? A mop?"

"No! Chesticles!" said Riku.

"I gotta go!" said Sora, running for the bathroom.

"F.R.E.A.K." spelt Kairi, giving us the title. XD

**XXXXXXXXXX**

XD That's the opening chapter. As always, it is not as good as the future ones. It's just to introduce you to their new setting.

And, as in the sitcom Friends, we have a post ending clip!

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

Stacey stared down at the cement, before running inside.

"Guys, guys! Come and see this!"

"What?" asked Roxas.

"Check it out!" She led them all out.

"They're cleaning up your mum!" said Namine, looking at Sora.

"Oh no! She has the Heart of The Ocean in her pocket! Paramedics have very sticky fingers!" Sora ran into the hall, and took the elevator downwards. He ran to the streets, jumped the barrier and pulled a blue diamond from his mother's pocket.

"Mine." he said, running back up.

"I'll take that off your hands for ten munny." said Stacey.

"No." said Sora. "This is a priceless jewel!"

"Ten munny and a sandwich."

"Done. Sucker, I would have gone for eight munny and a fruit tingle."


	2. The One With The Five Chances

Hello, SkyLandOcean and some moron called Bro, who would never match up to her, are back! (AN: I bet you can guess who's typing this! XD)

**XXXXXXXXXX**

_"So no one told you life was going to be this way._

_You're stuffed in the head, your mother's dead, you're love life's DOA._

_You don't remember who you hold dear,_

_Well, it hasn't been your day, your week, your month, or even your year._

_But, I'll be there for you, when you're hit by a train_

_I'll be there for you, when Stacey throws a fit_

_I'll be there for you, cause you're there for me too."_

**XXXXXXXXXX**

Stacey had just moved into her new room, AC/DC and Led Zepplin posters all hung crooked on the walls. She had Spider-Man bedsheets, borrowed from Riku, and various Mettalica and Wolfmother tshirts in the wardrobe, stained with Cheez-Its and butter.

"Now this," she said looking around, while laid on her bed "Is a big room!" It was, in comparison to her old one, which was, in fact, a walk-in wardrobe. With a window, which was a hole in the wall covered in clingfilm.

"Hey Stacey, what is this fish doing in my bed?" asked Sora, bounding in with a King Emporer in his hands.

"It's not in your bed." answered Stacey, lazily. She picked up her guitar and lightly strummed it.

"Oh yeah, sorry." He left the room.

"Stairway to heaven." she sang lightly, as she picked at the strings.

Sora reentered. "I mean, why was this fish in my bed?"

Stacey looked at his hands. They were empty.

"What fish?"

"Sorry." Sora then left Stacey to the musings of her sugar-high mind.

"So, how're you settling into your new room?" asked Riku, entering. He sat on the end of her bed.

"Pretty well. I ate a tub of butter."

_MEANWHEEL..._

"Hmm, I'd better put this shirt away. I don't want a floordrobe like I had in my last house."

Sora opened his wardrobe, and a giant blue whale flopped out. He placed his hands on his hips, and shook his head, smiling.

"Stacey!" he said, droning it out.

"I didn't do it, you bastard!" she yelled.

Suddenly, a bunch of king crabs fell from his set of drawers. They gathered around him, snapping their claws. Sora leapt onto his bed. An eel fell from between the covers.

"My bedroom is like Seaworld!" he exclaimed, trying not to get shocked.

"Where, am I?" said a redheaded girl, who fell from the wardrobe along with the whale.

"Ariel? What are you doing here?"

"There was a brown haired girl, and she said: 'Kairi, why the hell do you have a tail?' and she knocked me out, and stuck me in here. She ran away as soon as Riku came in to shove a whale in here."

"Hmm, who does that description fit?" asked Sora.

"My name is Captain McNugget!" yelled Selphie, bursting through the window.

"And you shall be Mister Captain McNugget!" She seized his hand, before pulling out a paopu fruit.

"Oh, shit! Stacey! Help!" he cried, trying to pull his hand away.

"I'm a-coming!" yelled Stacey, grabbing a banjo and rushing into his room.

"How the hell could you jump in here, when we're on the thirteenth floor?"

"Yuffie helped with a trampoline!"

"I like to help sweaty tamarins!" yelled Yuffie, jumping up and down.

"Where do keep your coke, and where do I get some?!" yelled Stacey, raising the banjo.

"Matt LeBlanc!" Yuffie pointed at a homeless guy, laid on a park bench.

"Where am I? I was on the set of Friends, and then I got really high and made a crappy spinoff. Oh God, I'm gonna be sick."

Stacey raised the banjo, and hit Selphie full swing, knocking her through the floor.

"I got it!" yelled Riku, running through with a hammer, wood, nails and carpet. He hammered some wood down, before securing some carpet over it, making it look as good as new.

"Where'd you get the banjo?" he asked, when he had finished.

"Where'd you get the wood?"

"Touché."

"GET IN POT!" came a voice from next door.

"Like hell I will, you fat bastard!" answered another, far more raspy voice.

"Will you two, SHUT IT! I can't get drunk when you're doing that!"

Then they heard a spitting noise.

"Well, that's Larry, for sure." said Roxas.

"Where'd you come from?"

"I just came in."

Sora sighed. "Lamp."

Stacey handed him a tacky lamp with dragonflies on it. SMASH!

_"Shady's back, back, back, back again-gain-gain. Shady's back, back, back, tell a friend-riend-riend."_

"Did you hear that Stacey? Shady's back." said Namine, in a snooty voice.

"Where the hell are you idiots coming from?" asked Riku.

"WHO IDIOTS?!"

"Whoa! Where did you come from?" asked Stacey.

"NEXT DOOR! I SHARE APARTMENT WITH DRUNK, DUCK, AND LLAMA!" Gus pointed to the seperate people, respectively.

"Christ, how cliche is this? I mean, of all the places..."

"I KNOW! SHE CAME AT ME WITH GUN! SHE SAYS 'GET IN THAT FUCKING APARTMENT!' I THINK HER NAME'S ALICE!"

Namine looked out of the door, where Alice was wearing a black dress, with a scorpa blade in hand.

"Why would you force someone into an apartment?" asked Kairi, looking at the other Princess of Heart.

"'Cuz I'm the landlord!" she yelled, lighting a white, cigar shaped object. She took a long drag on it.

"Is that a cigar?" asked Roxas, getting up.

"No, it's not a cigar, and it's NOT MINE!" cried Alice, putting it out and tossing it into a pot plant. She stomped out, leaving her confused tenants behind.

"What the hell, can't you move out if you want?"

"No, there's a shotgun on the ground floor. If she thinks we're leaving for another apartment, she'll blow our brains out." said Donald, walking back to his own apartment, Gus and Goofy following. Larry was still in there, as he had been making soup.

_MEANWHILE, IN LARRY'S APARTMENT:_

Larry had been spitting into a pot, and putting it on the boil.

_Hock-ptoohey! Hock-ptoohey! Hock-ptoohey! Hock-ptoohey! Hock-ptoohey! Hock-ptoohey! Hock-ptoohey! Hock-ptoohey! Hock-ptoohey! Hock-ptoohey! Hock-ptoohey! Hock-ptoohey! Hock-ptoohey! Hock-ptoohey! Hock-ptoohey! Hock-ptoohey! Hock-ptoohey! And a rolled up bus ticket._

**XXXXXXXXXX**

Sora and Kairi were cleaning his room, eradicating the fish from all corners. As Kairi pushed a blue whale aside with one hand, she noticed a familiar brown haired boy beneath the bed.

"Hey Kairi," said Ryan, looking up at the redhead with his brown eyes."Whatcha doing?"

"We're tidying up Sora's room. What about you?"

"I'm amazed that Sora can hide so many _Playboys _under here. And without you knowing, geez."

Ryan handed Kairi a magazine depicting Nancy Drew straddling a boulder. Kairi turned an angry red, before grabbing the rest of the magazines. She dumped them into a bin, and shoved it through a wood chipper.

"How could you do this!?" she yelled, scattering it out of the window.

"Because I HAVE NEEDS!" retorted Sora, tipping over the bed in a fit of rage.

"YOU'RE SUCH A BASTARD! OH, CORRECTION! HORNY BASTARD!"

"SO?! Fuckin' bitch."

"WHAT?!"

"I said: "YOUR MOTHER'S A FUCKING WHORE!"!"

"That's worse, you idiot!" cried Stacey, from the doorway.

"Sora, where do you want this?" asked Riku, walking in. He held a videotape in his hand.

"What's that?" asked Namine, coming up behind him. _"Crazy Slut-Bitchwhores In The Shower With Sopping Wet Breasts."_

"Oh, so you're BUYING THIS FILTH!?"

"No, he made it!" said Roxas, appearing from nowhere.

"What?" asked Namine.

"Let's watch." said Riku, slipping the tape into the slot. Stacey ran in front of the screen, which wasn't much help, as it was a widescreen. It was clips of the three girls getting showered.

"Wait!" cried Stacey, moving away for a second. "Zoom in there!" Sora zoomed in on the keyhole, where an aquamarine eye was seen peeking in. It was Riku.

_"Yay, more porn!" _said the onscreen Riku.

"You sick fuck!" cried Kairi.

Namine grabbed a nine-iron and smashed it up.

"I love smashing things with these, especially drunken men who think they're pirate's legs."

"What?"

"Oh my God, who smashed the TV? Barney's on, no!" Namine ran from the room, clutching her scalp.

"Riight. Anyway, I'm still pissed off!" yelled Kairi.

"It's your fault I need them! Everyone else here has put Pokey the Silkworm in the dark cavern to search for treasure."

"That's hysterically revolting!" said Stacey, wiping her eyes of the tears which had formed as she laughed.

Kairi ran out of the room and back to her apartment, screaming hysterically. Roxas followed her, leaving the other three on their own.

"Well, you really screwed it with Kairi." said Stacey.

"No, I didn't, that's why I'm in this mess."

"What, because you're a horny idiot who can't help put his red rocket on the launch pad until the astronauts go for a spacewalk all over your sheets?"

"Yeah, no, get lost!"

Stacey went back to her room, and Riku then said: "Can I borrow this tape?"

"No, you have Stace."

"Do you hear that?" asked Riku, tilting his head to one side.

"Yeah. Sounds like Roxas." Sora and Riku walked into the hall, and stood outside the door of apartment 1334. They could clearly hear Roxas yelling.

"Oh my God, you're both so good at this! Suck it!"

Sora twisted the doorknob and ran in. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO MY GIRLFRIEND?!"

Namine dropped her icecream in confusion, and everyone in the room whirled around.

"What the hell are you raving on about, moron?" asked Roxas.

"We were just have an icecream eating contest, and now Namine's dropped hers. And YOU owe ME an apology!" stated Kairi, scowling at him.

"Fine, I'm sorry. What can I do to make it up to you?"

"I'll give you five chances. If you screw up, it's over!"

"What is?" asked Riku, tilting his head to one side.

"This chapter." said Kairi, folding her arms.

"OH MY GOD! I'D BETTER GET TO WORK!"

**X**

Sora finally walked out of Kairi's bedroom, glad that he had gotten Kairi the perfect present.

"What'd ya get her?" asked Stacey, wiping some bubblegum beneath her armchair.

"You'll find out. Gus helped me, because he has a truck, but he insisted I put it in Kairi's dead grandmother's dress because it would be "VERY FUNNY INDOODLE!"."

Then an almighty scream rocked the building. It was clear that the Princess of Heart had found it.

"What do you reckon?" asked Sora, running in.

"It's a dead body!"

"Not ANY dead body. Walt Disney's dead body! Look I can make him talk! _Hi! My name's Disney!"_

"That's sick!" cried Kairi, disgust in her voice.

_"But I AM Walt Disney." _

"Sora, stop disrespecting him!"

_"What's he doing that's so wrong?"_

"STOP IT!" Kairi's eyes then moved to her left, where Sora was with a dejected look on his face, hands deep in his pockets.

_"I AM Walt Disney."_

Kairi and Sora screamed, before running out into the hall and running through several doorways. They ran back into the room and threw the body through the open window.

"Okay, maybe that wasn't the best idea, but wait until you see what else I got you!"

In the bathroom, Roxas pulled down his pants and sat on the loo. After a couple of seconds he felt a tingling sensation. In front of him was a magazine about fish.

"When urinating near certain water sources, a fish known as a candiru will crawl up your urethra, causing tingling. If not caught within five seconds, it will get into your bladder and kill you. OH MY LORD!" Roxas grabbed it and pulled it out, before smashing its head on the edge of the sink and killing it.

"Okay, judging from Roxas' scream that present was intended for me, so I'm counting that as two."

"That sucks."

"You'd better do something good. Or this chapter, and our relationship will be over."

"Fine." Sora stalked off, upset.

**X**

"Okay, this one's good! I hollowed out Criss Angel and turned him into a lamp!"

Kairi didn't even look up from her magazine. "Nope."

"C'mon, it took me ages to find this showboating dickwad!"

"Nope. I can smell him from here. Just enter in the science fair, and use him as an exhibit. By the way, that's three."

"Fuck." Sora decided he would ask Stacey for advice. This would prove to be foolish.

**X**

"Snap her iPod and then wave it in front of her."

"How is that romantic?"

"Then you can hum her tunes for her instead."

"You're a genius!"

"I know, now go get her!"

**X**

"STOP HITTING ME!" cried Sora, as Kairi struck him across the face again.

"No! Beg forgiveness!"

"I beg forgiveness!" he yelled, fearing she'd grab Stacey's special-edition Led Zepplin guitar and hit him with that.

"You have one chance left, and next time you take Stacey's advice, ask me about it first! Remember when she told you to run past those sniffer dogs with a bag of 'sugar'?"

"I thought she actually meant sugar!"

"You're friggin' stupid. Anyway, one more chance. Get it it right, or soz ur dumpd! lulz."

**X**

Sora stood near his creation hoping that Kairi would like it. If she didn't he would be dumped. Also he had forgotten to TiVo the AC/DC special on MTV, so she'd be mad... Sorry, we digress.

Anywomb, Sora looked at it, steaming on the counter. It didn't look too appealing, but inside was what counted. All the fats and protiens, all rolled up into a perfect package.

Kairi walked in, and she detected the smell. "Ooh, apple pie?"

"Yeah, the pie's over there." Then Kairi noticed the other steaming pile.

"Sora, why is there is a SHIT ON THE COUNTER!?"

"I really needed to go, and once I said so, Stacey ran in and yelled: 'Haha, no bathroom for you, fatboy!' I'm not fat."

"Oh, we'll just let Doris the cleaner sort it out. Let's look at this pie." Kairi walked to the windowsill, where she saw a golden brown pie with some burnt parts, due to Stacey sabotaging the oven.

Sora handed her a knife, and stepped back in case she decided to stab him in the face.

She sliced a small piece, but trying not to get too close in case her idiot of a boyfriend had decided to put a balloon, Michael Jackson or anything else that would scare her in. Kairi observed the pieces of apple, to ensure that they weren't brown or gross in any way.

She noticed that they were in the shape of lovehearts.

"Awwww, you're so sweeeet!"

"Really, you think a sphincter is swe-" Riku ran in and clamped his hand over Sora's mouth.

"He told me that he wanted lovehearts, so I helped him make them."

"Aw, thanks guys!" she said, her eyes gaining size with every second.

Stacey walked in, a tired expression on her features. "I'm bored, I need something to do." She looked around the room, and saw Riku. "You'll do nicely."

"Hehehehe, boobies!" cried Riku, as Stacey led him to her bedroom.

A few moments later, Riku yelled out a name. NOT Stacey's.

"NAMINE? What the hell?! You're thinking about her?! You're disgusting!" Stacey threw him out, and stood in the doorway glaring at him, wrapped in her dressing gown.

"But, boobies.." moaned Riku feebly.

**X**

That's the end of this chapter. WHOO! Man, that was really effing long.

SkyLandOcean, who is far superior to the amobae the calls itself Bro.

**X**

"Watcha up to, Gus?" asked Goofy, sculling more of his moonshine.

"I'M TRYING TO KILL DUCK, AND THEN EAT HIM! YUM YUM YUMMOES! I'LL MAKE STEW!"

_"Hock-ptooey!" _ Larry spat on Gus, a sign of affection amongst the genus _Lama Glama._

"FIRST I PUT FOOD IN BATHROOM, CORNER HIM AND SHOOT HIM TO KILL HIM AND FRY HIM UP! HE END UP IN BOX OF GREASE! GREASE GOOD! IF YOU FEED IT TO YOUR PARENTS YOU CAN GIVE THEN HEART ATTACKS AND THEN RIDE ON A DOOR ACROSS THE OCEAN THE DESTINY ISLANDS!"

"That was way too detailed. Is that how you did it?"

"YES! IT FUN! I DO IT AGAIN!"

"Riiiggght."


	3. The One With Tracaeye Part I

Hello, Bro and SkyLandOcean her-

SkyLandOcean: 'SkyLandOcean and Bro', it's in order of importance!

Bro: I'm important.

SkyLandOcean: About as important as a waffle. Anyway, welcome to the third chapter!

Bro: I'm gonna open up every shortcut on the desktop!

SkyLandOcean: Bro, no!

Bro: Hehe, rhymes. (Opens all shortcuts) (Crackling noise) Is that meant to happen?

(KA-EXPLOSION!)

SkyLandOcean: (Covered in dust and microchips) I hate you.

Disclaimer: We don't own anything apart from your souls, and Shakespeare's play _MacBeth. _Oh wait, that's not ours. Thanks to all those who review. We love yas!

**XXX**

_"So no one told you life was going to be this way._

_You're stuffed in the head, your mother's dead, you're love life's DOA._

_You don't remember who you hold dear,_

_Well, it hasn't been your day, your week, your month, or even your year._

_But, I'll be there for you, when you're hit by a train_

_I'll be there for you, when Stacey throws a fit_

_I'll be there for you, cause you're there for me too."_

**XXXX**

Stacey sat chewing gum, watching _"Close Encounters of the Pornographic Kind"._

_"Oh no, an alien with a massive dong! AND I'M COMPLETELY NAKED!"_

"Hehe, stupid whore is sexing up a Martian." said Stacey, spitting her gum onto the wall.

"Mars?!" cried Riku, and running in and looking around eagerly.

"For the last time, there's no Mars Bars in here! Go away!"

"Aw." Riku walked off. Just as he got out of the door, Stacey pulled out a Mars bar and began to eat it.

"Hehehe. Stupid sewer-dweller."

Then Stacey saw a familiar brown haired boy at the window, washing it with a squeegee. "Hi Ryan. Have a Mars bar." She opened the window and handed it to him.

"Thanks, Stace." he said, pulling himself up to the next window. Stacey turned back to the TV, and saw the next segment.

_"Oh crap, it's Bigfoot with a massive dong! AND I'M COMPLETELY NAKED!"_

Namine walked in after Sora answered the door. As always, her notebook was around her neck, flapping against her stomach.

Stacey caught sight of a few words. "Make him a barbed wire sandwich.' What the steaming asshole is that?"

"It's nothing!" she said, putting it inside the pocket of her jeans.

"Hey, you're wearing something other than your dress." said Riku.

"So? I can wear something which isn't featured in the game!"

"Not in the eyes of the fans!"

"Riight. Anyway, there's a really annoying six year old with bright pink hair and red eyes who's following me around. She said her name was Tracaeye, and she keeps asking for Stacey."

"God, no! She found me!"

"What do you mean, 'she found me!'?" asked Riku.

"Well, you know yin and yang?" asked Stacey, looking at the silver haired teen.

"The two tadpoles that suck eachother's scrotal zones?" asked Namine, tipping her head to the left and shoving her finger up her nose.

"Yes, right. That means that some things are opposite. For example, and I stress the word _example, _there could be a totally cool girl who lost her virginity to the lead singer of her band, named _Spleen Splitter _(coughcough) SkelleBones (hackchoke)."

"Oh, THAT explains why there was no boulder over the entrance to the magical cavern!" said Riku.

"And then, they could have a totally UNCOOL sister, who has eyes that change colour depending on her mood, bubblegum coloured hair, and who gets along with EVERYONE. In fact, if this was a fanfic," Stacey stopped to look at the reader, and then reverted her eyes back to her friends. "she would be a total MARY SUE!"

"SISSY! WHERE ARE YOU?! I WUV YOU!" came a high pitched voice, from outside the door.

"Oh crap. Okay, I'm gonna hide in the cupboard. Do not tell Tracaeye where I am." said Stacey.

"I'll come with you." said Riku, opening the cupboard door.

"No, you won't!" cried Stacey, slamming the door behind herself.

"You're very, very horny! Go find another place to hide the purple parsnip!" said Namine.

"KID AWESOME IS IN THE HOUSE!" yelled Tracaeye, opening the door.

"Kid Awesome? Right." said Namine.

"What's your name?"

"Namine."

"I like you. Have a sweet." Tracaeye handed her a bag of jelly snakes.

"Stacey, I like your sister."

"Wait, Stacey's here?" asked Tracaeye, opening the door to her older sister's hiding place.

"Fuck you all." said Stacey, as she stepped out. She was immediately enveloped in a bear hug from her little sister.

Tracaeye released her, and stood with her hands clasped behind her back. "Wotcha doin'?"

"Trying very hard not to kill you."

"Heeheehee! You're funny! KISSES!" Tracaeye jumped on her sister and placed a big wet kiss on the side of her face. Stacey shuddered, and used the hem of her shirt to wipe her cheek.

"Yeah, like we ALL wanna see that." said Namine, turning away from Stacey's exposed bra.

"I do!" cried Riku.

"You're a perv. I like you. Have a sweet!" Tracaeye gave him a gobstopper.

_"At least that'll shut him up for a while." _ thought Stacey, pulling her Led Zepplin shirt back down.

"Stacey, I like your sister."

"You may like her now, but wait for a couple years. She'll be the star mystery on _Missing Person's Unit. _I'll be the only one who knows where she is." said the older Endolen sister, through her teeth. She pushed the gobstopper right to the back of her friend's throat.

Riku began to cough, and choked the lolly back up.

"Hey!" he cried. "That was fun." He pushed it back down. He handed Namine a box, with a wedding-day Barbie doll inside. She had specifically requested it of him, when he had gone out shopping.

"Why do you do these things to yourself?" asked Namine, as she sat on her own head. She nodded her thanks, even though it was difficult to do in her current contortion.

"You moron." said Stacey.

Tracaeye ran out of the room and came back with a suitcase.

"I'm moving in with you!" she cried, dumping it on the floor. She beamed at her older sister.

"Erm, what?"

"Mummy died. I can't feed myself, I need someone to look after me."

"You can fend off a snagglebeast with a paperclip and a piece of twine, but you can't open a tin of beans?" asked Stacey, referring to a time when a two year old Tracaeye had been attacked with no chance of escape, but had done so anyway.

"Anyway, I'm sleeping with you."

"Oh no, you're not! I don't want you messing with my alcohol cabinet, my collection of GI Joes, and my assortment of used crowbars."

"You break into places?" asked Riku.

"Yeah, I went to public school. DUH!"

"Dude, how many times have you said that? You can handle alcohol because you went to public school, you can pick locks because you went to public school, and now break into places because you went to public school. Where is this magical public school, because I wanna learn this stuff!" said Riku.

"You'd get a bog-wash on the first day."

"We're getting off the subject," said Tracaeye "Wonderful me-ee."

"You know who you remind me of? Sailor Mini-Moon. The one I wanna spear on a railroad spike."

"Yeah, I'm not even gonna acknowledge that." said the pink haired, waving it off. "Anyway, if you won't let me sleep with you, I'll sleep on the couch, no biggie."

"God, she's so agreeable!" yelled Stacey, in pure hate of her sister.

_"Time for a desperate measure. I'll bring in the guy who hates everything."_

"GUS!"

Riku's father came lumbering in.

"WHAT YOU WANT?!"

"I want you to meet the girl who thinks she's better than you."

"WHAT?! I KILL THE ROTTEN BITCH!" Then, Tracaeye's eyes changed to a delightful purplish green, and Gus suddenly changed his mind.

"HELLO! MY NAME GUS! I LONG TIME FRIEND OF YOUR SISTER!"

"You've known me for a couple of months, and never cease reminding me that Riku's from better stock."

"I JOKE! NEITHER OF YOU GOOD ENOUGH FOR OTHER!"

"That's totally contradictory of what you just said!"

"YES IT IS! BUT BOTH STATEMENT ARE TRUE!"

"Okay." said Stacey, knowing that her annoyingly delightful Mary-Sue sister had won. "You can sleep on the couch. But don't blame me if you catch the plague."

"I'm immune to every disease on God's earth."

"I hate you. Anyway, there's your bed. Go to sleep."

"Okay." Tracaeye spun magically in the air, and appeared in a nightdress. She was lifted up by several bluebirds and placed gently on the couch with a unicorn shaped cushion, and being covered in a quilt made of fairy dust and moonbeam smiles.

"Please, before you make me sick." said Stacey, rushing from the room. "God, it's enough to give me frickin' diabetes!"

"Let's read her a story!" cried Kairi, pulling the :3 face. The group rushed forward with a book.

"Now," said Sora, putting a butterfly pillow beneath the girl's head "this is the story of a gentle bear, who we pissed off so much that he killed one of our friends, Ryan. He was so delightful."

"Aw, thanks." said Ryan, sitting on the end of the sofa.

"He was about fifteen-"

"Almost sixteen."

"Sorry. Almost sixteen. And he fell off a building-"

"COURTESY OF ME!" added Gus.

"And smashed head-first into a bus."

"Ass-first." corrected Ryan again. "And it was a Hummer. And there was an explosion, and I died instantly, and there was no chance of survival in any way."

"Wait a minute, he's right-" Tracaeye was cut off.

"Don't waste your voice, angel." said Namine.

"Yeah, you're a woman. No one'll listen to you anyway." said Riku. Stacey ran in and smashed him with a guitar.

"Ow! I hate it when you hit me with your AD/CD guitar!"

"AC/DC, you fricking moron! And this is my Led Zep!" Stacey stomped back out, leaving the bewildered teens in the room.

"Anyway, tell them about the amazin heartbreak I suffered when Fiona got her skull done in with hot buckshot."

"Yeah, that's my fave bit. When Ryan totally pwns my head." said Fiona, walking in.

"Hey Fiona! We haven't seen you since the vampire-possessed boy on your left killed you with a large shotgun." said Kairi, grinning.

"Hey. Anyway, I didn't even know what to think, and then I couldn't think at all. The shells kinda shut down all bodily functions and made me defecate in my pants."

"And so, Fiona died, leaving Ryan heartbroken. The end. Go to sleep, sweetheart."

Everyone kissed Tracaeye on the forehead as they walked out, and Riku walked to the older Endolen sister, intending to give her a kiss. Stacey simply walked off, back into her room.

"I'm not in the mood." she said, closing the door. When she was safely on the other side, she whispered. "Meh bishie."

Riku simply shrugged, returning to his own room. Sora gave Kairi a kiss goodbye, as she walked with Roxas back to their own apartment.

Sora retreated to his bedroom, and laid on his bed. But, soon later, he heard Roxas yelling.

"Pump it! Come on! Namine, take over!"

He sat up, and heard all three of his neighbours panting.

Sora ran into the hall, and pushed the door of the apartment open. He saw Namine jumping up and down, on top of a board. It was operating a bicycle pump, which in turn was blowing up an inflatable life raft.

Kairi was slumped on the couch, trying to catch her breath.

"Why... are you blowing up that boat?" asked Sora, relieved that he hadn't found something else.

"Some people said it's the Apocalypse soon, and we wanna be prepared." said Roxas.

"Roxas, take over." said Namine, collapsing on the floor. Stacey walked in, and Namine walked into her room. Stacey said she'd help with the raft, and took over from Roxas when his legs tired.

Riku stepped into Namine's room.

"What's up?" he asked, looking at the paper that she was writing on. He caught sight of a few words, _"... drive into the Amazon and fend off piranahs with a pencil."_

"Erm, nothing." said Namine. She screwed up the page and shoved it down the front of her top. "Now get it!" she said, thrusting her chest at him.

"Okay." he said stepping forward.

Stacey stomped into the room, and slapped him. "No!" she said, dragging him out.

"Boobie." said Riku, feebly reaching out for a feely.

"No boobie for you today!" yelled Stacey, punching him and throwing him into a cupboard.

"Boobie..." he said, one more time, before passing out.

"God, why has every guy I ever dated been a perv?"

"Cuz you have low standards!" came Kairi's voice, from the living room. On the way out of the apartment, Stacey elbowed Kairi, who was now working the bicycle pump, in the stomach. The younger girl fell back against the wall, hitting her head.

"That'll learn you to question meh standards!"

"Oh yeah, well I also question your choice of clothes. You seriously gotta kick ya stylist to the curb, girlfriend!"

"I ain't one of your clique! I come from the smashers, and we kick the asses of any bitches who wander into our part of town!"

"Oh yeah? Well... bring it on!"

"ZOMFG!" came a whiny, nasally voice. "GIRL FIGHT!" The Camcorder Kid burst in, his peice of trademark equipment in hand.

"This isn't happening again. Get lost, kid." said Stacey, shoving him over and walking off.

The Camcorder Kid stood back up, and brushed off his clothes.

"Hey, you could've broken my cam!"

"Watch it, or I'll break your face."

"It has 50 terabytes of porn on it!"

"You are sad," said Roxas, shaking his head. "MINE!" Both of them wrestled for it, but unfortunately it flew out of the window.

"NO!"

It landed in a pond below, electrocuting the ducks, two girl scouts, and a puppy.

"I hate you!" The Camcorder Kid ran out crying, down the hall.

"Meh." said Stacey, and then she turned around and saw Riku. "Meh bishie. How did you get out of the closet?"

"Oh, I used my seesaw."

"Okay. Let's get back home. I need to rest. All this Mary Sue, Gary Stu, Electric Boogaloo stuff is giving me a headache."

Walking back through the hall, and entering their apartment, Stacey was taken aback. She could see that her room had been decked out with lavender candles, toy unicorns, and pictures of horses.

"TRACAEYE... MUST... GO!"

**X**

That's the end of the chapter! We'll have a look at what Stacey does to the little brat next time.

SkyLandOcean and Bro


	4. The One With Tracaeye Part II

Welcome to the fourth chapter of Freaks. We hope you trip over, and really, really hurt yourselves. XD

Anypwned, on with the story.

* * *

_"So no one told you life was going to be this way._

_You're stuffed in the head, your mother's dead, you're love life's DOA._

_You don't remember who you hold dear,_

_Well, it hasn't been your day, your week, your month, or even your year._

_But, I'll be there for you, when you're hit by a train_

_I'll be there for you, when Stacey throws a fit_

_I'll be there for you, cause you're there for me too."_

* * *

Stacey sat in her room, musing on how much she hated her sister. It wasn't healthy, but it sure was better than spreading happiness and moonbeams to the unicorns in the land of CareALot, like her sister did.

"How can I kill a total Mary Sue?" she said to herself, tapping her lips with her index finger. Coming up with nothing, she decided to look where she would find billions of Sues.

She rushed to the door, and yelled out the Camcorder Kid's name.

"CAMCORDER KID!"

The weirdo kid walked slowly up to her, wiping his snotty nose on his sleeve.

"A'ight?"

"I need to borrow ya laptop."

"Why? Are you going to put cooties on it?"

"I'll cootie your face if you don't." she answered, stomping at him.

"How long did it take you to come up with that?" he asked, rolling his eyes.

"About half a second. Are you gonna gimme that computer, or wot?"

"I would give you the computer, if you had something to exchange."

Stacey thought for a moment, and pulled a card out of her pocket.

"This is a Yu-Gi-Oh trading card. Trade you it for your laptop."

"You think I'm gonna be swayed by a peice of cardboard?" asked the Kid, shaking his head. How could a peice of paper with a picture on it come to the value of his precious laptop?

Stacey moved her hand, and the picture changed. The Camcorder Kid began to drool.

"Ooh, lenticular... Gimme!" He snatched the card, and gave her the laptop, before running down the hall. His arms were raised with his prize in hand. "Pretty, pretty, pretty cardboard."

"Reject." Stacey walked back inside, the computer tucked under her arm.

The pink haired girl hopped up to her, hands clasped behind her back. She had a large brush and a comb, and a huge grin.

"Hello, Anastasia." said Tracaeye.

"Hi." Stacey walked to the counter, and placed the computer down. That was when she caught sight of Kairi.

"What the HELL did you let her do to your hair?!"

Kairi had her hair tied in a plait, which was looped around the top of her head.

"You look like a cheese maiden!"

"Tracaeye did it. Isn't it awesome?"

"Yeah, if your name's Heidi."

The redhead cheese maiden shrugged, and returned to reading her magazine.

"Can I do your hair?" asked Tracaeye.

"Get away from me, evil wench. I am resistant to your happy elfin unicorn smiley rubbish."

Tracaeye shrugged. "Okay, I won't force you." She skipped away.

_"WHY IS SHE SO DAMN AGREEABLE?!"_

The older sister sighed, and set up the computer. She clicked on the Internet link, and started browsing.

She typed into the search bar; "How to kill a Mary Sue."

All sorts of sites immediately came up, and Stacey's eyes brightened as she read the lists.

"These are gold!"

* * *

Tracaeye sat watching television, when Stacey snuck up behind her. Hands poised, she was plotting to break her neck. Just as she lowered her hands, Tracaeye said

"While you're up, could you grab me a Pepsi?"

Stacey turned red, but picked up a Pepsi, violently tossing it at her sister's head. Tracaeye turned, catching it, and opened it up. She drank the contents, and walked into the hallway to place it into the recycle bin.

"_WHY DOES SHE CARE ABOUT THE ENVIRONMENT?!"_

"Thanks sissy." Tracaeye returned to her show, not even noticing that Stacey had just tried to make her brains implode.

The older sister stomped off, angrily muttering curses under her breath.

"...Then I'll let Gus cook you, along with Donald. And then I'll feed you to Matt LeBlanc through a straw."

Stacey walked to the laptop again, and glanced down the list.

"Breaking her neck obviously didn't work. I need something different. AHA! Luckily, I still have it."

Stacey pulled a shotgun from her pocket, and aimed it at the back of her sister's head.

"Ciao, bella. Buon to know you." She pulled the trigger, but instead of the buckshot she hoped would split her sister's head in twain, a butterfly flitted out.

"What the hell did you do to my shotgun, you retarded n00b?!"

"Well, I thought that guns were more harmful than helpful, so I loaded every gun I could find with butterflies!"

_Moonwhile, a man was holding up a bank._

"Gimme all the dosher, or I'll blast you so hard that your children will inherit the wounds!"

BANG!

"Butterflies?" laughed the teller "You pathetic dolt!"

_Cheesewheel, Stacey had sat back at the laptop._

Her eye was twitching with anger, and she thought of all the ways she could kill Tracaeye. Beheading, gutting, hanging...

Stacey jumped with fright when she felt someone behind her.

"Oh, it's just you Ryan."

"Hi Stacey." He walked back out of the room.

"This is perfect."

Stacey walked to the microwave, and smashed the glass. She had the building evacuated, and then activated it from afar.

She touched her fingertips together with glee, as the radiation flooded the apartment block.

"Excellent."

Tracaeye came bounding out, singing happily to herself. Stacey's hands flopped down to her sides, and her mouth fell open.

"B-But... You should be dead, or at least writhing in unbearable, excruciating, enough-to-make-you-suicidal pain!"

"I absorbed, and made happiness!"

"I know what makes me happy." said Riku, looking at Stacey. She slapped him in the face, and turned to face her sister.

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU ON ABOUT, YOU GREAT GITFACE?! YOU SHOULD BE DEAD!"

"I made happiness! I used the radiation to create a happy smile-time kangaroo!"

"Dude, look at that." said Sora, pointing over the street at an orange kangaroo wearing a tutu. It waved a magic wand, and cast a spell over a nearby woman.

"HAPPY!" he yelled. All of a sudden, she had a huge grin and danced.

Riku walked over to it with a shovel, and raised it over its head. "I'm eatin' dinner tonight!"

"NO YOU NOT!" came Gus' voice. He grabbed the spade and killed Skippy himself. "THAT THING GO INTO SOUP WITH DRUNK, DUCK AND LLAMA! AND YOU, READER."

He dragged the body away, leaving a trail of blood behind.

"You killed my friend..." said Tracaeye, her voice rising into cracked sobs. "Oh, well. By the end of the day of the day I'll have ressurrected Amelia Earhart. She'll be my friend."

"Hey guys, wazzup wit' da hoes?" asked the Camcorder Kid, walking over.

Roxas appeared all of a sudden, wearing bling, a baseball cap and a hoodie saying: "Hey, thats mah stayle! Getcha own hows, ya lil' pile a bile! Yeah, I rap now! Listen to a few lines! Xemnas all like up in yah face, so we destroy him for da good of da human race! We kicked his ass, sent him back to class, now he's dead in a box, yeah!"

The Camcorder Kid started laughing hysterically.

"What... the hell is wrong with you? I mean, fuck!"

William appeared. "SWEARING IS BAD!"

"Where da hell did yo come from, foo'?" asked Roxas.

"I heard that this building was radiated or whatever, so I came here to gain superpowers."

Everyone gathered to watch the show.

William walked inside heriocally, with a band orchestrating his brave attempt.

"OH MY GOD! IT'S UNBEARABLE! IT'S EXCRUCIATING! IT'S ENOUGH TO MAKE ME SUICIDAL!"

"Didn't we hear that like, five minutes ago?" asked Namine.

"Three, yo." answered Roxas.

William staggered back out, and fell to his knees.

"The radiation... wins."

"Look, he's different!" said Kairi.

"He has a Keyblade!" cried Riku.

* * *

Tune in next time for the thrilling conclusion to the chapter! Which is of course, right below this sentence. XD

* * *

Stacey pulled a gun and shot William.

He fell over, and began to bleed.

"Stacey! That could have been a very interesting subplot! He could have been the next Key-bearer! The one to rule all Key-bearers!"

William sat up, and spoke: "I am. I have traveled through time in incarnation after incarnation, to destroy the Heartless for good, and bring peace to everyone."

"Well, do it in the next life. I don't have time for it." Stacey pulled a shotgun, and blew his brains out.

"Wow, that was previously unmentioned." said Kairi, laughing it off.

One week later, the radiation had completely worn off. When Sora had opened the fridge, he had found that all the cobs of corn had turned into cobs of popcorn. He picked one up, and covered it in icing sugar.

"Nomnomnomnomnom." he said, sitting on the sofa next to Stacey. He accidentally covered the couch and Stacey's new black jeans.

"RAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGHHHH!" She tackled him, and smashed his head on the wooden floor.

"I'm... sorry... I... covered... your... jeans... in... icing... sugar. I'll... wash... them... later."

She let go of his collar, and let his head hit the ground again. She unbuttoned her jeans and tossed them at him, sitting down on the sofa in her undies. Stacey called Riku over, beat him up, and pinched his track pants.

"You should really start wearing briefs. You look real weird 'tackle out'."

"You didn't think that last night."

"DEATH!" Stacey picked up the couch, and smashed Riku in the meat and two veg. Tracaeye sat as normal, not noticing that her older sister had just made her defy the laws of gravity.

"You should be nice to your boyfriend, or he'll leave you for someone prettier."

"Wait, you're still alive?" asked Stacey, as she drew a blood mustache on Riku.

"Yeah, I'm immune to every form of death ever. Except of course, the Anti-Sues."

"ANTI-Sues?"

"Yeah, the guys who everyone hates. They have laptops, wipe their snot on their sleeves, and have statues of Samus Aran from Metroid in their rooms."

"Really?" asked Stacey, an evil glint appearing in her green eyes.


	5. The One With Tracaeye Part III

Welcome to Freaks, written by a perfect princess and a retarded git.

Bro: I'm the princess! Wait, no let me rephrase that-

SkyLandOcean: Nope. Anyway, this is the conclusion to the Tracaeye-Mary-Sue-annoying-unicorn-ultra-smiles thingo.

**X**

_"So no one told you life was going to be this way._

_You're stuffed in the head, your mother's dead, your love life's DOA._

_You don't remember who you hold dear,_

_Well, it hasn't been your day, your week, your month, or even your year._

_But, I'll be there for you, when you're hit by a train_

_I'll be there for you, when Stacey throws a fit_

_I'll be there for you, cause you're there for me too."_

**X**

"Really?" asked Stacey, an evil glint appearing in her green eyes.

"Yeah, really. Of course, I'd pull my glorious-grin gladius and stab 'em." said Tracaeye, returning to her show.

"Hmm, with this information, I could finally win. THIS IS SPARTA!"

"Uh, what? No it isn't, it's Destiny Islands Luxury One-Star apartments. The best in the slums." corrected Riku, pulling on some new pants.

"You should put on some undies, seriously. Otherwise, when I do this:" Stacey dacked him. "You'll flash everyone your wedding snake. I digest-"

"Digress."

"PAIN!" yelled Stacey, hitting him between the legs with a skillet.

"Remind me not to eat off of that."

"CAMCORDER KID!" yelled Stacey, kicking Sora just for fun. He sat up, and rubbed his head. Then the Kid came rushing in.

"Wazzup, mah peeps 'n hoes? I'll be shootin' nines, and ya'll be hollering my name!" he said.

"What? You come from suburbia, not the 'hood."

"You can't be speakin', youse all like dressed up in a guy's threads. What happen? You wake up in Riku's bed, too hung up in the head to noticify that you be doin' reverse drag?"

"Hey oh, he got your number, bitch!" said Roxas, once more dressed up in bling.

"I thought that you were back to normal an hour ago. In fact, you said that you had given up with all the random slang."

"Shut up, that's why!"

"That wasn't a 'why' question."

"All up in yo' face, foo'!" answered Roxas.

"What's up in my face?" asked Stacey, placing her hands on her hips.

"That pimple!"

Stacey smashed his head against the doorframe.

"Sora, cut me a switch!"

"Yessir!" answered the brunette, cutting a thin cane from an indoor plant.

"See, even da gahs be reckoning that yo' a man!"

"Shut up, retard. Anyway, I need a favour."

"What's in it for me?" asked the Camcorder Kid, switching back to normal.

"I won't step on your nuts."

"Deal." he said, shaking like a mouse in a teacup of boiling water. "What's the job?"

"I need someone 'taken care of'."

"Babysitting? I can do that. Of course, everyone I've ever babysat has killed themselves rather than be in my presence-"

"No, I wanna put a hit out. Y'know, someone needs 'assistance' to have their throat cut. Huh? HUUUH?"

The Kid nodded. "You want me to whack someone. Who do you want me to off?"

Stacey nodded in the direction of her sister, who was now belting out 'Sk8er Boi' on SingStar. She was getting perfect scores, and sounded just like Avril herself. The television exploded from her incomprehensibly perfect voice.

The Camcorder Kid gagged. "She looks just like a Mary Sue. Aren't they impossible to kill, except for by and Anti-Sue or Anti-Stu?"

"That's where you come in." Stacey snickered at how dirty her sentence sounded.

"What are you suggesting?"

"That you suck nuts and everyone would like to throw you into a field drenched in cow pheromones with a giant bull."

The Kid retaliated. "Well, even if I am an Anti-Marty-Smarty, there's still no way I could kill her. Look!" He pointed at the younger Endolen.

"Camcorder Kid, jump out that window!" said Stacey.

"No! I'd die!"

"Tracaeye, will you please tell this idiot to jump out the window?"

"Jump out the window." said Tracaeye, now fixing the TV with awesome skill.

"Yee-ha!" he cried, not even considering what power she had over him. He leapt through the glass.

"Tracaeye, could you make him bigger?"

"Why?"

"So I can have him kill you."

"Oh, okay, I'll just make myself bigger too. KALI-MAH! KALI-MAH!"

All of a sudden, both the Kid and Tracaye were enlarged to Goliath size. She opened a portal to let herself out of the building without wrecking it, and Stacey jumped through too.

"Whee! I'm gonna join everyone else, because I'm cool!" cried Sora, leaping off the balcony. He pulled a deckchair from his pocket, and landed perfectly on it. A Coca-Cola dropped down too, and landed in his hand. He shrugged and took a sip.

"Dammit, it didn't hit him." said Riku. "Roxas, cut me a switch!"

"Cut you a switch? Wha' would ah cut yo' a switch? Jus' throw a cob o' popcorn at his head, foo'!"

"Because, cutting a switch is more amusing!"

"No it ain't. Hey, look!" Roxas pointed out of the window, and saw Tracaeye and the Kid preparing to fight.

ROUND ONE. BATTLE!

The Camcorder Kid lunged forward, and gripped Tracaeye's pink locks, and smashed her face onto the road. She retaliated by rolling forward, pulling a tree from the ground, before proceeding to shove it into his left nostril. The Kid tried to pull it out, but to no avail, as she stepped back.

_"Heh, this little bitch is afraid of me." _ he thought, stepping forward. Tracaeye started to giggle.

"What are you laughing at?" asked the Kid. Her laughing only intensified, as he slipped on a taxi.

"Haha! You fell!" she cried, pointing as his head obstructed traffic. Several cars and a schoolbus smashed into him, some even becoming tangled in his dark hair.

As he tried to loosen them with his index fingers, Tracaeye had pulled a giant tyre from the TyrePower building. She put it around his neck, and tried to strangle him. The Kid elbowed her in the face, and flipped her over his shoulder, knocking her back to the road.

"PILE DRIVE!" he screamed, picking her back up, and smashing her head against the bitumen.

"Ouchies..." she groaned, pulling herself back up, and scraping a woman off her clothing. Tracaeye flung herself at the Kid, pushing him against a skyscraper. She attempted to impale his head on the spire, but he managed to push her away in time to avoid such a fate.

Tracaeye rubbed the back of her head, feeling a stinging sensation where she had bashed it onto the road. On her hand was her blood, and she cooked up a plot.

The Kid ran at her again, a truck full of oil in his left hand, and he attempted to hit her over the face with the tank. Tracaeye simply slapped him, and he started to laugh.

"A slap? That's the best you can do?! A girly little slap?!"

Tracaeye started to giggle, as he realised that he no longer had any feeling in his legs.

"What the hell?!" His legs started dancing on their own, and the Kid wondered what she had done.

"How did you do this?" he asked, scared and amused at the same time.

"With my mermaid magic! What else?"

"Um, smiles and unicorns and sweet fairy floss?"

"Nope! I'm a mermaid from the far superior kingdom called Atlanta! Much better than Atlantica."

The Kid punched his legs a few times to regain control, before knocking her to the ground. Then, they heard a squeaky voice far below.

"OI! WHADDYA THINK YA DOING? YOU'RE SMASHING UP THE CITY!"

"Oops. Hehe, sorry."

"YEAH, I'LL MAKE YA SORRY!" The voice belonged to a short man stood on the pavement. He was shaking an angry fist in the air at the two ginormous fighters.

The two shrank back down, and climbed up the side of the apartment block. After a pointless two hour climb, despite the fact that the elevators were in perfect working order, they reached the room.

The Camcorder Kid collapsed on the carpet, panting from the effort of dragging himself up the walls. Tracaeye, however, was completely unaffected. She picked up a water bottle, and said:

"Bye, bye, duckies! I'm off out for a jog. When I get back it will be revealed that I am the eighth Princess of Heart."

Namine tilted her head to the side and yelled excitedly. "That has no logic whatsoever!"

"I know! But I'm the leader of the Rainbow Squad, and I can make it happen!"

"Can you make me cool?" asked the Camcorder Kid. Tracaeye looked at his armpit high pants, socks and sandals, pimples and eyeglasses in the shape of stars.

"Uh huuuh. Well, I'm perfect, but I can't do miracles."

"Then you ain't perfect."

"Then, I lie. I could do it, but I won't. Why don't you ask that Jesus-Superman hybrid over there? I'm sure he could fix you up with a marykateandashley makeup kit." Tracaeye said sarcastically, nodding at Sora.

He was stood in a corner, and wiped his snotty nose on his sleeve. He lifted his head, and said. "Huh?"

Tracaeye walked out, and was immediately asked for her autograph.

"You're that girl who saved the queen from a giant magnet monster who tried to nick her crown, aren't you? Can I have your autograph?"

"Sure!"

Stacey slammed the door behind her sister. "I'm am so sick of her! Well, at least we can do some plotting now."

"What plotting?" asked Roxas, who was underneath the spell of the Mary Sue.

"Duh, the plotting to take her out."

"Like a party?" asked Kairi.

"You're an idiot."

After sitting in her room for several hours, imagining a monkey eating a banana, Stacey hit on an idea.

"Hello Mister Idea, you're looking good today."

Riku's voice came through the door. "Stacey! Stop flirting with the janitor!"

"Of course!" said Stacey, shoving the man off her bed and feeding a platypus that appeared from nowhere and knighted her as Keeper of the Juicy Fruit.

She left the room and came back with a can of flyspray. Stacey sprayed it all over the floorboards. "That'll learn them cockroaches for invading my zone."

"THAT'S WHAT YOU SAID LAST NIGHT!" yelled Riku.

"You have no passion for any living things, do you?" asked Namine.

"She was pretty passionate last night!" yelled the silver-purple-blue haired retard. Stacey pulled a shotgun from thin air and fired it at the door. Unfortunately more butterflies flew out.

"Dammit. Anyway, now to take care of Tracaeye." Stacey shut her door behind her as she entered the hall.

"Oh, is she sick? I'll get her some medicine." said Sora.

"No, I'm gonna kill her."

"Okay." No one even seemed to care that the elder Endolen sister was plotting to kill the younger one.

The Camcorder Kid put forward a suggestion. "If she's so perfect that she annoys people, then she isn't perfect. Use a paradox."

"A what?"

The Kid sighed. "You seriously don't know what a paradox is?"

"Uh, I WENT TO PUBLIC SCHOOL!"

"They teach you that kind of stuff."

"Yeah, but I was busy drinking, smoking and tossing flaming tennis balls at the kids in the row ahead of me."

A random dude walked in. He had a burned hand and severe scarring on his face.

"So it was YOU!" he cried, pointing at Stacey.

"What? It wasn't me that was talking, it was her." Stacey pointed at Kairi.

Kairi screamed and ran around the apartment, being chased by the raving maniac.

"So, a paradox is something which makes sense but is impossible."

"Right. I don't understand, but let's go with it."

**X**

The brunette girl walked into the hall, where Tracaeye was selling magic fairy muffins to fund a teddy bear hospital. Stacey took one look at her and went insane, pulling out a flamethrower and roasting her sister alive.

"I'm impervious to heat, sis. You know that, after I went back to 1985 and plugged up the Chernobyl reactor to save those who were as yet unaffected by the radiation."

"Er, I should handle this." said the Kid, stepping forward. He cut off the power to the flamethrower and tossed it to one side.

"Tracaeye, you are indeed perfect, are you not?"

"I am."

"And being perfect, everyone loves you, don't they?"

"They do."

"And everyone loving you contributes to your perfection, doesn't it?" he asked, getting to the point.

"Yes."

"Well, I hate to inform you, but your sister hates you."

Tracaeye's eyes filled with tears. "You hate me? But then I can't be perfect. But, I am perfect! But I'm not! Bu-but, everything is so confusing!"

Her head began to inflate.

Stacey and the Kid watched as it filled the hall. It finally exploded, and her now headless body fell over.

A bown haired boy's shoes were splattered with the goo from the girl's brain.

"Gross. Tracaeye looks even worse than I did when I was knocked off the building by Gus."

"Hello Ryan. How are you doing? Want a cupcake?" asked Stacey.

"Is she high?! Stacey, what the hell is wrong with you?" asked Riku, eyes wide with shock as Stacey dissolved into lovey dovey mush.

"I just want to be hospitable."

"Oh, you're talking to Ryan. Hi Ryan!" The idiot waved madly at Ryan.

"Hi guys!"

"Well, come in. I'll make some OJ, and then we can play Twister! We'll always let you win!"

Ryan looks at the reader and winks with both thumbs raised. "Drugs are wonderful, aren't they?"

Riku then shook his head. "You drugged us!"

The brunette boy chuckled and ran into the elevator. Riku pressed the button to open the door, but Ryan was gone.

"Huh?"

"I wouldn't think too hard about it." said Roxas. Sora smashed a lamp upon his head, and the blond fell to the floor.

"Sora, why would you do that?" asked Namine.

"It just wouldn't be right if I didn't."

_"Now I can see him, he's in womens' clothes, but he don't need an IUD, yeah. He likes Village People, he's playing croquet, his dog is a pekinese."_

"That song's about you, Riku."

**X**

That ends the chapter! Now for the post ending clip!

**X**

Riku sat on the sofa, scratching madly at his scalp. He practically dug his fingernails into his skull.

"Riku, what are you doing?" asked Kairi, distancing herself so that she didn't get splashed with blood that was now running through his hair.

"I have scalp herpes."

"How the hell did that happen?" asked Namine, backing away so as not to catch it.

"Gather 'round, children, and I shall spin you a tale of excitement, wonder and magic."

The group gathered around his chair. Namine knelt at his feet, Kairi leant on one of the arms, Sora on the other. Roxas leant on the back, and Stacey just stood in the kitchen washing the pots.

"Well, I knocked on Stacey's door. She said, like hell airy: 'Come in, teeheeheehee-'"

"I do not talk like that!"

"Anyway, we-"

Stacey picked up a saucepan and banged loudly upon it with a ladle to drown out Riku's voice. Unfortunately for her, she had no means of stopping his hand gestures. It was clear what kind of disgusting things had happened. Finally, Stacey's arm tired.

"...and that's how the badger died and seventeen earthquakes rocked the city."

"Oh, barf!" said Kairi, her face turning green. Everyone groaned in disbelief as they stood up.

"You are one foul little man!" cried Sora.

"You need to go to the doctor's and get some cream for that before you pick off all your skin."

As everyone left the room, they looked at Stacey as though she were a streetwalker.

"The funny thing is, I remember nothing about that."

"Thank God for drugs!" said Riku, before a saucepan bashed him in the face.


	6. The One With The Ferarri

Hello, SkyLandOcean and Bro here, with another chapter. Crunkle. Yeah, crunkle. Poop. Pringle.

**X**

_"So no one told you life was going to be this way._

_You're stuffed in the head, your mother's dead, your love life's DOA._

_You don't remember who you hold dear,_

_Well, it hasn't been your day, your week, your month, or even your year._

_But, I'll be there for you, when you're hit by a train_

_I'll be there for you, when Stacey throws a fit_

_I'll be there for you, cause you're there for me too."_

**X**

It was another fine afternoon in Destiny Islands Luxury Apartments, and a sixteen year old brunette laid on her bed.

Anastasia Endolen was thinking about ways she could torment Riku.

Sora ran into her room, and cried: "Riku's on _Goof!"_

"Cool!"

Stacey followed the azure eyed boy through to the lounge room, where they plopped down onto the sofa. The girl pushed Sora off, before putting her feet up and taking up the entire seat. The younger of the two scowled at her, but then reverted his attention to the screen.

_"I'm Max Goof, and welcome to _Goof_! Today our theme is 'My Dad Is An Insane Immigrant Obsessed With Uneccesary Violence'. Today we have Riku Orlicks and his father, Gus. So, tell us, when did all the problems start?"_

_"When I found out that this fat pig was my dad!" The onscreen Riku pointed at Gus._

_"MORE LIKE WHEN YOU MET THIS FAT PIG! HAHA!" shouted his dad, not realising that he was supposed to be defending himself._

_"Wait, found out? You didn't know who your dad was?"_

_"NO, IT LONG STORY, BUT INVOLVES TRUCK, ROCKET RAFT, FLOATING DOOR AND FANTASTICAL TIME MACHINE! OH YEAH, AND ONE VERY LOOSE WOMAN!"_

_"Hey, leave my my mum out of this!"_

_"I COULDN'T KEEP OUT OF YOUR MUM! HAHA!"_

_"That's it, you're DEAD!" Riku charged forward, and tipped both Gus and the chair over. He was grabbed by security._

_"You're (bleep) dead, man! You're (bleep) dead!"_

_"OH YEAH? BE OF THE BRINGING IT ON!"_

Stacey and Sora looked at the screen, mouthes open, as Riku broke away from the guards and pounced on Max. The screen cut to a test card, of Max with birds around his head and swirly eyes. Beneath it said: _"Host has been bashed mercilessly, please stand by."_

Riku walked casually in, covered in blood and holding an extremely large mallet.

Sora made note of the bag his friend was holding. It was just big enough to hold a head.

"Uh, hey buddy, what's in the bag?" he asked, trying not to provoke him to more violence.

"MY BOWLING BALL! STOP ASKING QUESTIONS! I'LL GET RID OF IT AND WE'LL ALL BE HAPPY, HAPPY HAPPY!"

"Well, your bowling ball's bleeding."

"And it's staring at me." said Stacey, freaked out. The bag was clear plastic.

"DON'T SAY ANYTHING! I'LL BURY THE BOWLING BALL IN THE PARK LATER AND WE'LL ALL BE HAPPY, HAPPY, HAPPY!"

"Okay, I'll just say your hamster died."

"NOTHING'S DEAD!"

"Right."

Riku chucked the bag out of the window, and it landed in a small girl's pram. High pitched screams rocked the air.

"I'll just close these." said Stacey, shutting the curtains.

"Okay, let's completely ignore all our troubles and the police who will surely be knocking on our door any minute, and watch some TV."

_"We now return to _Four's Company_!"_

_Leon was dancing with Rinoa onscreen, and Aerith walked in._

_"What the hell, you've been cheating on me with her?!"_

_Yuffie entered the room, and her jaw dropped from what she had just heard. "YOU'VE BEEN CHEATING ON ME WITH HER?!"_

_Rinoa stepped back with a disgusted look on her face. "You've cheated on me with those... WHORES?!"_

_"I know how we can resolve this! BATTLE!"_

_Leon struck out with the Gunblade, against Yuffie, resulting in 82 points damage. Just as Aerith was about to charge her attack against him, the door was brutally knocked on top of her._

_"UNCLE SEPHY'S HERE!"_

_"Oh, Uncle Sephy! You're always a laugh and a half!"_

_Wahwahwahwaaaa-aah._

_We will return to this politically incorrect show after this._

_"DO YOU WANT A CAR? YOU CAN HAVE MINE! DO YOU WANNA GO FAST?"_

_"_I wanna go fast." said Stacey, obviously hypnotised by the advert.

_"ARE YOU TIRED OF BLISTERS ON YOUR FEET?"  
_

"Hell, yeah, mofo!"

_"AND ARE YOU TIRED OF RIDING ON THE BUS NEXT TO HOMELESS PEOPLE WHO HIT ON YOU AND CLAIM THEY'RE JESUS?"_

"I hate that hobo!"

"_WELL, COME ON DOWN TO MY HOUSE, AND YOU CAN HAVE MY FERARRI!"_

"I'm going!" said Stacey, walking out of the room. Riku followed her, and Sora came along to seem cool.

**X**

Stacey, Sora and Riku found themselves stood on a green lawn, where a man was hurriedly loading boxes into a trailer attached to a 4WD.

"Hey, we're here about the Ferarri." said Stacey, walking up to him. The man simply handed her the keys.

"Huh? Don't you want money, or to see my driver's licence or something?"

"No. Now, you go have fun, with that dead hooker in the boot." He said the last part under his breath.

"What?"

"I said the boot is full of candy!"

"Can we have it?" asked Sora.

"Yeah, sure! Just open the boot on the outskirts of town, where no one can see you, and don't say you got the car from me!"

"WOOHOO!" cried Stacey, leaping into the drivers' seat, _Dukes of Hazzard _style.

After Riku had climbed into the passenger seat, and Sora in the back, Stacey turned the key in the ignition.

Riku clipped himself in, but the driver reached out with a pair of scissors and cut through the strap.

"There's no point in having a fast car, if you're gonna click yourself in, you doik! Why the hell would you do that?"

"So I don't die!"

"Are you questioning my driving skills?! But, you do have a good point." Stacey put on her own seatbelt. "It's too bad you don't have one."

Sora started to speak. "Wait, I haven't clipped myself-"

"SHUT UP AND SCREAM, YOU GIRL!" Stacey sped away, and a dismembered hooker fell out of the boot.

"Holy crap, we're going too fast!" cried Riku, plastered to the seat.

"No, we're not!" She glanced at the speedometre. "It's only one hundred an hour!"

"We're in a school zone!"

"Hey, it's that kid I hate!" Stacey slammed on the brakes and cruised along. She stopped about one inch in front of a kid holding five books with thick glasses on. Stacey reached out of the window and punched him in the nose.

"Drive, drive!" she yelled, turning the wheel in desperation.

"Erm, you're in the driver's seat."

"I'm talking to the car! Where's that small silver platform, which when pressed down upon will make the vroom-vroom go?"

"The acellerator? Everyone knows that!" said Sora, prying himself off the seat and clipping himself in.

"How many times must I say it?! PUB-LIC SCHOOL! P-U-B-I-C S-C-H-O-O-L!"

"You just spelled out-"

"Can't hear you! Driving!" Stacey slammed down on the acellorator, and drove back to the apartments.

"Sora, go inside and get your _Powerpuff Girls _goggles!" she said.

"Why?"

"We're going to the _Powerpuff Girls _convention!"

"YAY!" Sora ran inside.

"Oh, dear God, are we really?" asked Riku, afraid that Stacey may be turning into a normal girl.

"No! We're gonna go smash mailboxes, and then go scrumping."

"We're gonna steal apples? Wouldn't you rather go scrumping through people's bills to steal and publish on the internet, complete with credit card details?"

"Nah! Apples! Now stand on the door, and use the Way to Dawn to smash things."

Riku stood up on the red door, and asked what kinds of things he'd be smashing.

"Whatever you can hit."

"Yay! Drive by the orphanage."

Stacey drove along steadily at first, not wanting Riku to be thrown under the wheels. She shook her head.

_"What the hell am I thinking?! That would be so cool!"_

Stacey depressed the pedal the entire way in, and the car reached one hundred and eighty kilometres an hour.

Riku whooped and knocked an old lady with a walking frame over.

"Sorry, dear!" he said, mocking her. "Stacey! Check out that house!"

Stacey screeched to a halt, and Riku fell into the car.

"Oof! You coulda given me more notice!"

"Nonsense. A split second was more than enough."

"Got any ideas?" asked Riku.

"Let's raid it and plant this bag of hash on the front step, with a note saying 'From your mafia pals', then call the police!"

"That stuff comes naturally to you, dunnit?"

"Got anything wrong with that, bub?" Stacey turned her head and coughed, but Riku could make out two words as she did. "Meh bishie."

He shrugged. "Anyway, lets loot the house."

Stacey jumped out with a spikey club, rang the doorbell and the _Halo _theme played.

"I hope it's a nerd who answers." said Riku, cracking his knuckles.

Bill Gates opened the door, and Stacey brought the club down hard on his head.

"WOWZERS!" he shouted, rubbing at the bloody sore.

"LOOT THE HOUSE!" Riku and Stacey ran into his bedroom, where he saw Halo paraphenalia everywhere. He tipped the bed over and saw a safe underneath. Spending several minutes trying to crack the safe, Stacey grew impatient and lined the door with plastic explosives.

"How do you know how to set that up?" asked Riku, as she put several wires into it.

"GRARRGH!" Stacey grabbed the neckline of his shirt, shaking him violently. "PUB-LIC SCHOOL! PUBLIC SCHOOL! _**PUBLIC SCHOOL!**____**IS**____**THE**____**WORDS**____**THAT**____**I**____**IS**____**SAYING**____**REACHING**____**YOUR**____**SPASTIC**____**BRAIN?!**_"

"Hehe, you remind me of my daddy."

"Your WHAT?"

"Uh, I mean Gus. Yeah, Gus. OH MY GOD, BILL GATES IS BEHIND YOU WITH AN ASSAULT RIFLE!"

Stacey shook her head. "Huh, you really think that you can derail this awkward conversation about your 'daddy' with some lame arse comment about a nerd?"

"No, really, there he is. Just turn around!"

"What, and bend over?"

BANG! Stacey fell to the floor, not moving at all. Riku's mouth opened of its own accord, as he began to yell at the bespectacled murderer.

"NO! ALL WE WERE GONNA DO IS ROB YOUR HOUSE AND BURN IT TO THE GROUND WITH YOU INSIDE! OH MY GOD! WHAT DID WE DO TO DESERVE THIS?!"

Riku ran forward and kicked him in the head, killing him instantly.

"Well, that was insanely easy. I must now mourn." Riku dropped to his knees and screamed. "STACEY! STACEY! LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE! DAMN YOU, POPPIN' FRESH! YOU GAVE HER A BELLY! Oh, wait I'm meant to be damning, Mister Gates to Hell. DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL! EXCEPT STACEY! Although, let's face facts, she ain't exactly on a one way ticket to Heaven."

"I ain't exactly WHAT? Did you just say I'm fat?! What kind of retard tries to kill someone with a paintball gun?" Stacey stood up and cracked her neck, rubbing the orange paint stain into the back of her t shirt. She slapped Riku with the other hand. "I am so going to Heaven, and if He says no I'll slap Him until He says yes! And I ain't fat! Let's go home, I need to change my shirt. Preferably one with less stains."

"Like that's possible." said Riku, shortly before being kicked in the shin with a steel-capped boot.

**X**

"Come ON, Stacey! How long does it take for you to change your shirt?! You have a dozen band shirts still suitable for wearing out! I wanna go scrump for delicious pink ladies!" cried Riku, stood outside the bathroom door.

Sora looked up from a book with his mouth wide open.

"Apples, Sora, apples."

He still didn't stop staring.

"The fruit."

Sora's face was still blank.

"The kind you eat."

He remained fixated upon Riku, his jaw slack and eyes goggling.

"APPLES!"

Sora's expression didn't change.

"Please, Stacey, for God's sake, hurry up! Scrumping!"

"I don't wanna go scrumping anymore." came Stacey's voice, muffled by the wooden door.

"But I wanna go scrumping!"

"My clothes are too formal for scrumping."

"What the hell are you wearing, a ballroom gown?!"

Stacey walked out of the bathroom, in completely unstained clothes, consisting of a black t shirt, blue jeans and white trainers.

"Whoa, what were you saving that outfit for?"

"My wedding, but let's face it, I'll probably be in jail before then."

Riku nodded understandably. "OH MY GOD, WHAT THE CAPTAIN CRUNCH IS THAT?!"

He pointed to the bathroom floor, where a bloody Namine lay twitching violently.

"I had to get the jeans somehow. She was walking past, showing off the cleanliness of her clothes, so I dragged her in and bludgeoned her half to death with the toilet."

"Why would you do that?!"

"Uh, HALF to death. And besides, I ain't the one who ripped off a dog's head."

"Actually, I sawed it off. NOW SHUT UP!"

They looked away awkwardly, knowing they both had very dark secrets to hide.

**X**

Stacey pulled her new car up to the side of the road, paralell parking. She got out, and walked to the door of a bar. Riku joined her, and they were both stopped by the bouncer.

"What's the password, buddy?"

Riku shrugged.

Stacey stepped forward and whispered. "Milford."

"Alright, come in."

The two walked to the bar, and were asked immediately what they wanted.

"I'll have a ninety seven percent alcohol tequila, and she'll have a keg filled with your strongest alcohol."

"Two kegs of tequila, coming up."

Riku and Stacey waited while the bartender went out to get the drinks.

"So..." said Riku, leaning on the bar.

"...Yes?"

"I like boobies."

"What?"

"I said you look nice."

"Uh, thanks. Don't get all soft on me." warned Stacey. The two sat at the bar for a couple more minutes.

"BARTENDER! HURRY UP WITH THE FUCKING DRINKS!" cried Riku, thumping the countertop.

"I'm coming!" he said, heaving the two drums. He handed each of them a silly straw.

They both started to drink, and after one sip, they had enough alcohol in their veins to subdue a thousand beavers.

"I-I th-ink you're pr-pr-pretty." slurred Riku.

"Traca-eye said I-I-I wa-sn't pretty."

"Well. Tracaeye was a pysc-ho bitch (hic), and n-ow her head exploded."

"Wow, thinking back on i-it now, all I c-an think of is her he-ad detonating with the power of a million squirrels!"

"You know what Tracaeye's head sound like when she died?"

"He, what?" Stacey gestured for him to come closer.

_"__**BOOM!**_"

"ARRGH!" Riku tipped off his stool.

"You 'kay?"

"No, it's the Destiny Islands!"

Stacey chuckled before falling off her stool. "Let's go play PacMan."

"I wanna go first!" The two charged forward, but Riku was the first to get to the handle.

Riku turned it to the right, and heard an odd noise. He turned it to the left, and it stopped. He turned it to the right again, and proceeded to continue his actions for the next ten minutes.

"What is wrong with this?! I don't hear the 'waccawaccawacca' sound!"

"Hehe, it's a sink!" cried Stacey, falling to the floor.

"I don't feel well!" said Riku, throwing up into the sink.

"Bring the toilet here. I require it!" commanded the brunette.

"V'okay." Riku ripped up the thunderbox, and dropped it next to her.

"Thanks." she said, barfing into it. "Come on, let's go home."

The two staggered out the bathroom and saw a familiar face.

"...and that's how I killed the evil Mary Sue!"

"Wow, that's like, totally brave!" said a green haired girl, putting her hand on his arm.

"Not true!" yelled Stacey, knocking him out with a single punch.

The two left the bar, and ran into another brunette boy.

"Hi Ryan." said Riku, grabbing ahold of a lamppost.

"Hey you guys! How's it going?"

"Oh you know, hanging with mah buddies, drinking in illegal bars, playing PacMan and discussing squirrels. Oh yeah, and how paradoxes kill Mary Sues and Gary Stus. Have you heard the one about killing your grandparents?"

"No, and I don't want to!" cried Ryan, covering his ears and running away. He was struck down by a car, but got up and kept fleeing.

Riku gawked after him. "Wow, anyone'd think he's a Gary Stu."

Two teenagers, one in her mid teens and the other a boy about a year younger were sat at a table with a laptop. They chuckled madly, before saying:

"Yes, they would, wouldn't they?" Both reverted their attention to the screen. "Put: 'Riku and Stacey crossed the road.'."

Riku and Stacey crossed the road. They clambered into the Ferarri, but the bartender ran out after them.

"ARE YOU GONNA PAY YOUR BILL?!"

"Nope!" she yelled, speeding off.

**X**

The car swerved violently from side to side, up and down, even squareways down a suburban street. A police officer walked out of Donut King, and pulled his gun on them. He fired madly, but missed every shot.

"Dammit!" He pulled out his radio. "This is Big Pappa, we got us a mockingbird on High street. I request immediate assistance, preferably from the smurf squad."

_"Uh, we don't have codewords. Idiot. So, just talk English."_

"Okay, I got a couple of dickheads in a high-powered vehicle down Leslie street." There was a loud thump. "And they're running over grannies. Suspect's description. Female. Brunette."

_"Oh, that's Stacey Endolen. This is serious! All units, go, go, go!"_

Several police cruisers raced down the streets after the two teens.

"I think there's shumone behind ush." said Riku, slurring as he turned around in his seat.

"Oh God, it's the cops!" Stacey turned down a sidestreet, well, what appeared to be one. It was, in fact, a driveway. The Ferarri smashed into the back of a red Toyota, but amazingly, only the Toyota was damaged.

The airbags deployed, and snuggled into hers.

"Why is that only that car damaged? That's impossible."

Riku tried to check if the Ferarri had sustained anything, but fell asleep on the bonnet.

**X**

The door to the jail cell was shut behind the two teens, who now had hangovers. Stacey cursed everything, including her t shirt, though it had nothing to do with the night's events. Except being covered in puke.

Riku stared out the window, where a fat man was chasing an anthrophomorphic duck through the moonlit streets. He was holding a boiling pot of water, and kept screaming the same three words.

"GET IN POT! GET IN POT!"

The duck kept reacting the same way. "LIKE HELL I WILL, YOU BIG PALOOKA!"

Riku laid down on the bottom bunk, checking his watch. Sora would be there to bail them out in a few hours.

"Stacey?" whispered the sixteen year old.

"Yeah, Riku?" asked Stacey.

"I'M SAD!" This cry woke up all the police, and the crackheads in the next cell. They began to bang on the wall.

"SPANISH CASTLE MAGIC! TRYING LISTEN TO! HA! I MADE A ERROR GRAMMATICAL! HAH! ICE MAGIC!"

Riku screamed in fright. Stacey herself rolled up against the wall, sheets pulled up under her nose.

"This reminds me of home!" she said.

"Stacey, can I bunk with you?"

"We're in the same bed."

"I mean on the same level!" Riku drew his feet back from the edge, in fear of a drugged up guy grabbing his ankles. However, there was nothing to fear, as there was only a bound and gagged Harry Potter weeping bitterly.

"Okay, fine! You can come up on the top bunk with me. But, even if I take all the covers, you still have no right to bite me. Not like last time." Stacey looked at a huge mark on her shoulder. "I think you gave me rabies."

"Wootings!" cried Riku, grabbing his sheet and clambering up the end like a monkey.

"There's a ladder, you know."

"More fun this way."

"Oh, God. You're not turning into your dad, are you?"

"Your face." He answered, crawling up next to her.

**X**

We hope you enjoyed this giant chapter. As always, here is the post ending clip.

SkyLandOcean and Bro, an anorexic monkey.

**X**

Riku and Stacey were sat on the couch, watching TV. Sora had bailed them out a couple of hours before.

_"...Police are still investigating the disappearance of Max Goof. In other news, boy wizard Harry Potter has gone missing. A girl by the name of Hermione Granger claimed to have seen him knocked out by a blonde girl wearing a white dress, carrying a notebook. She then dragged him into a house."_

A girl was shown onscreen, sat in questioning.

_"I'm telling you, she was in cahoots with Voldemort! I heard he was in a prison, but this morning, I tripped over bones under my carpet. And they were wearing glasses!"_

"Hey, Namine." said Riku, looking at Namine, who was sat on the floor. "Did you happen to transfer a dead body from a prison to Hermione Granger's house this morning? Just wondering."

"No, of course not."

"Why is there blood on your hands?"

"It's Frankenberry juice."

"That's a cereal, it has no juice."

Namine remained quiet for a moment. "I KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO MAX GOOF, AND I'LL TELL EVERYONE!"

"Okay, okay!"

Namine ran from the room, muttering something about burning evidence.

"Stacey."

"Hmm?"

"Last night..."

"Yes?" Stacey was hoping that she didn't do anything weird while they had been intoxicated.

"YOU WERE TOTALLY NICE TO ME!"

"I was not! Meh bishie." she added, under her breath.

"Okay, I heard that! I've heard it every time you said it!"

"Fine, I'm not ashamed! If I'm not ashamed of showing my arse in public, so I'm not ashamed of showing affection! Riku, you're meh bishie, and I LOVE YOU! NOW YOU'RE MY BOYFRIEND! SHUT UP! Before you even say or think anything, SHUT UP!"

Riku's jaw dropped, and Sora, who was holding a priceless ornament, dropped it on the floor. It broke into a million pieces.

"WhatdidyousaywhatdidshesayRiku?"

"What DID you say?" asked Riku, his brain numb.

"You heard me! I'm not repeating it."

"Actually, I didn't hear you."

"_**MEH**____**BISHIE!**_"

"I did hear you, I just wanted to hear you say it again."

"Sora, kill the lights."

Riku woke up in his bedroom, hands tied to feet and a massive anvil on his face, which Stacey was using to make a broadsword.

"As as I'm done with this, I'm castrating you!"


	7. The One With The Band

Welcome to chapter seven of our fantastical story! Of magic, trust and friendship-

"RIKU! DID YOU EAT MY LIPGLOSS AGAIN?!" screeched Stacey, stomping into the living room. Riku looked up at her, as he was currently laid on the couch reading _Wheels._

"But it was cherry flavoured!" he argued. Stacey sighed.

"Eat dynamite!" She shoved a stick of it into his ear, before lighting its extremely short fuse.

She plugged her fingers into her ears, and took shelter behind the couch. Disappointingly, it did not go off. Stacey tapped her watch.

"JUST TELL THE STORY WHILE I MAKE THE DYNAMITE GO 'CRACKA BOOM!'!"

"Fine, fine, fine!" said the hideous boy, stood with a laptop.

"Stop! Storytime!"

**X**

Riku and Sora were awoken at six in the morning, by loud banging and clanging in the hall outside.

Sora ran into Riku's room, tears streaming down his face. Riku sat up and asked what was wrong.

"I was dreaming about chocolate, then there was loud noises, and it woke me up, and now I'm sad!"

"You weren't dreaming about chocolate, were you?"

"No, but don't tell Kairi that."

"SHUT UP, YOU BASTARDS!" screamed Stacey, banging on the wall.

"Ya mum should shut up!"

"SHE HAS!"

"...Your face!"

"Oh, that's it!" Stacey threw her Mettalica sheets off, and pulled on her best pair of kickin' trainers, loaded her MAC 10 and kicked down the front door. Riku and Sora pressed their ears against the wall, eagerly awaiting the sounds of gunshots and burning bodies.

"All you bastards are dead!" cried Stacey, stomping into the hall.

Suddenly, there was silence. And silence, and silence, and then ten seconds of silence, followed by silence.

"Wait a minute, why don't we hear anything?" asked Riku.

"Maybe she already killed them. MAYBE SHE'S COMING BACK FOR US!"

"Shut up!" came Stacey's voice.

"They're not dead!"

"Of course they're not dead! I'm trying to chat to them! Why the hell would I kill my friends?!"

"Friends?"

"Yeah, who do you think I'm talking to?! Come out here, ya morons!"

The two walked over the desecrated door, and into the company of five people. One was Stacey, three were black-wearing acne ridden, greasy teenagers. The only one who didn't look like a badger's back passage was an important looking guy who was opposite in everything except his choice of clothing colour.

"Who are these freaks, and that charming young man?" asked Sora.

"This is _Spleen Splitter. _Guys, this used to be my band."

"Stacey, you didn't tell us you were in THIS band!" said Sora, eyes widening.

"Yes, I did! I said like a zillion times!"

"No one listens to you anyway! Everytime I open my mouth to talk you, it ends up in a conversation about Barbies, or makeup, or hair, or pink, or how pink is the new black, or how Cornflakes taste good, or how cars go fast, or how you always complain about me taking pictures of you in the shower, or how I accidentally set fire to your collection of vinyl records, or how I broke the air conditioning, or how you complain about me calling your mother a whore, or how I tease you about having to date Riku when you have this charming man next to you!"

"Actually, we used to date." said Stacey.

"Oh well, all's well then ends well." said Riku. He excused himself to go back to bed. He woke up an hour later, made himself some coffee, put on _SpongeBob _and sat down as the loveable sponge got up to adorable antics.

Suddenly, he recalled what Stacey had last said.

_"Actually, we used to date."_

"WHAAT?! Stacey, come here this minute!"

Stacey walked in. "Who are you to tell me what to do, Captain Purple-Silver-Blue or whatever the hell your hair colour is!"

"You never told me you used to date that guy!"

"Yes, I did! You moron, a million times! Remember your reaction: 'Oh, so that was why there was no boulder over the entrance to the magical cavern!'?"

"I never said that!"

"Anyway, SkelleBones and I are just friends now. It's been a long time since I was with him, so just drop it!"

"What about the other guys?"

"Oh, you mean FleshEater, HookFace and GrannyBeater? Nah, they're all dickwads of the highest degree. FleshEater isn't even that important. He's bass. What the hell? Seriously, 'I play bass, it isn't important.'"

"You know, sometimes FaceDissecter, you really make me sad sometimes." said FleshEater, who was sleeping on the floor.

"Don't you have your own place?" asked Riku, annoyed that he was right there when he was arguing with her.

"Uh, no. The guys burnt the apartment trying to get rid of the termites that were infesting said apartment, and then it collapsed and now I sleep on your floor."

"Where are they?"

_Piewhile..._

SkelleBones, HookFace and GrannyBeater laid on the floor of the apartment next door.

"Yo, duck dude. Thanks for letting us crash here. Though, can you please do something about this guy?" SkelleBones used his thumb to gesture towards Gus, who was jabbing GrannyBeater in the spine with a broom, who in turn kept having spasms.

"GET OUT! GET OUT! GET OUT! GET OUT! GET OUT! GET OUT! GET OUT! GET OUT! GET OUT! GET OUT! GET OUT! GET OUT! GET OUT! GET OUT! GET OUT! GET OUT! GET OUT! GET OUT! GET OUT! GET OUT! GET OUT! GET OUT! GET OUT! GET OUT! GET OUT! GET OUT! GET OUT! GET OUT! GET OUT! GET OUT!"

"Fuck off." said SkelleBones, snatching the broom off him.

"And can you do something about this llama? It's spitting on me." asked HookFace, wiping spit off himself with his sleeve.

"You don't like it, then go back to your slums and cry your whiny bitch eyes out!" said Larry suddenly.

"WHAT?" shouted Goofy all of a sudden. He fell off the couch.

"Erm, I said _'Hock-ptoohey'_."

"Okay."

_Back With The Gang..._

Kairi knocked on thin air, before realising that there was no door. She decided to let herself in.

"Yoohoo, Stacey-babe? I'm here to return the cup I borrowed. The one for the sugar."

"I know what cup, you moron. Just put it on the counter." said Stacey. Kairi did so, but then sighted the guy on the floor.

"Who's that?"

"Oh, it's just FleshEater." said Sora.

"You've been listening too?" asked Riku. Sora nodded.

"Something about relationships. Get it off your chests, do it on this couch while I watch."

"Ew."

"Okay, okay. You should, though."

"You guys have relationship problems? You'd never know it from looking at you! Ha!" said Kairi.

"Shut up, we know things aren't hunky-dory with you and Sora!" said Riku.

"Yes, they are! Tell 'em Sora!"

"Yeah, hunky-dory. Cartoons, watching."

"Told you."

FleshEater sat up. "I recommend an online counsellor. It worked for me and my ex-girlfriend Fiona."

"Ex-girlfriend? She's dating Ryan now."

"She's dead." said Riku.

"No, she isn't! She hangs out with Ryan now."

"Both of them are dead! Ryan fell onto a car, Fiona got her head blown off by him."

"Um, I'm right here." said Ryan, appearing behind Riku. "And no one here recalls that incident, so drop it!"

"Maybe you flew away." said Stacey.

"I don't have wings!"

"So you fly unaided."

"No."

"So you have no reason to be stood here whatsoever?"

Ryan shook his head, brown hair shining under the halogen light above him. It seemed to form a halo around him.

"...You fucking Gary Stu!"

"I'm melting, melting! But don't worry, I'll be back next chapter."

Ryan turned into a puddle, and sunk into the floor.

"That is AWESOME!" cried Riku.

Ryan's head popped out of the floor.

"It was, wasn't it?" he asked.

Stacey stomped him back in.

"Anyway, you should get some counselling." said FleshEater. "You don't want your relationship to break down, do you?"

"We got together yesterday." said Riku.

FleshEater sighed. "Well, at least it wouldn't be your shortest relationship."

"Why, what's the shortest?"

"Stacey and I were together for one night."

Riku looked at Stacey in shock, who kicked FleshEater in the ribs three times.

"You total retard!" she yelled, picking up a chair and pinning him to the ground with it. Stacey sat on it, grabbed a knife and aimed it at his eye.

"I'm letting go on three."

"You wouldn't."

"Stacey, don't!" cried Riku, trying to grab the blade from her hand. She pushed him away.

"One!"

Kairi made an attempt to save the bandmember's eye, by ramming into the chair.

"Two!"

Sora just watched.

"Three!"

Her fingers loosened around the handle.

**X**

The group sat in the hospital waiting room, for news on their aquaintance.

"What were you thinking?!" cried Riku, who was pacing around.

"Hey, he told a secret on me, so understandably, I shoved a knife in his face!"

"No! I mean, why didn't you tell me?"

Stacey shrugged. "What interest do you have in my history of boyfriends?"

"I dunno. How many have you had?"

"Erm, well. There was FleshEater, GrannyBeater, FishGutter, HookFace, SkelleBones and you."

"...You dated the entire band?"

She nodded. "Is that unusual?"

"Yes!" said Kairi. "You freaking whore!"

Stacey let out a battle cry and leapt at her. Instead, she fell over at a nurse's feet.

"Ouch!" she cried, rubbing her backside.

"Your friend'll be all right. He just has a minor scratch on his cheekbone."

FleshEater walked out, a tick shaped scar on his right cheek.

"That isn't minor, it's a scar!"

"I actually reckon it's kinda cool. I might get another one done on my left."

"Yeah, but on your face? That has to mega-ouchie!" cried Kairi.

"Mega-ouchie? What are you, five?" asked Stacey.

"Go and sign out from the hospital." said the nurse.

"Okay, but why don't you say discharge?" asked Sora.

Everyone fell over laughing.

"Because of that."

**X**

"Y'know," said Sora, when they were back in the apartment. "You have the weirdest name."

"It isn't as weird as Stacey's monstrocity. Her age even predates the movie all her names come from." said FleshEater.

"My mum changed it when that movie came out. I'm not telling you my original first name, because you'll get hysterical." said Stacey.

"Tell us!" said Riku.

"No. I reckon Reno is way weirder than Anastasia."

"Hey!" cried FleshEater. "I like my name!"

"Whatever. Anyway, we don't need counselling. It'll be ridiculous after just one day as an official couple." said Stacey, walking through to her bedroom to pull on a slightly-less bloodstained shirt.

"Okay, but Riku?"

"Yeah?"

"If I were you, I'd watch out for SkelleBones. I was Stacey's first boyfriend, but then he came along. Same with all the other guys. He won her back so many times it was like watching people play ping-pong."

"So he's a threat?"

"Yeah, so watch it he doesn't pull any crap."

Riku's eyes widened. "It's been nine months!" He pulled out a cardboard box from under the counter. He opened the top, and what looked like French Crepes was sat rotting inside.

"It's slightly less disgusting than it looks." he said.

"Uh-huh." said Kairi, looking at the box with scepticism.

Riku handed everyone a bowl of the liquid slop, without even cooking it.

Stacey walked back in. She had changed her shirt from the one covered in FleshEater's blood into a shirt covered in Max Goof's blood, from when she helped Riku retrieve the head from the girl's pram and bury it.

"Everybody, dinner is served!"

"I'll be there in a second!" said Stacey, walking to the couch where FleshEater was sat. It had a high back, so no one could see what she was doing.

She sat on FleshEater's left, unwound a string of barbed wire that she wore as a bracelet, and wrapped it around his neck, before pulling.

Only when they heard his desperate cries for help did they turn around... and turn straight back to the counter.

Reno searched under the sofa, finding a baton of some sort. He swung it hard into Stacey's side, shocking her and knocking her over.

He pulled the wire from around his neck, and stood up. He swung his new weapon around.

"Hey, this is cool. It's like an electric, magnetic rod."

"Um, it's an Electro-Mag Rod. And it cost me like, two dollars to get it from Archie comics."

"Here's two bucks." FleshEater threw a gold coin to him.

"Neat! This has to be worth way more than two dollars."

"Nope."

"Thanks for ruining my dream."

"Haha, anytime!" he answered, swinging it around some more.

He accidentally hit Roxas, who fell to the floor.

_"It's a real live mama and papaphone, A brother and a sister and a dogophone, A grandpa phone and a grandma phone too, oh yeah. My cellular, bananular phone." _

"BANANAPHONE! I LOVE RAFFI!" cried Riku.

"I LOVE RAFFI, TOO!" said Roxas, jumping up. He was now wearing a banana outfit.

"Where the hell do you get those clothes?"

"I went to a magical closet. It was in some place called Narnia, and it turns out that Elton John and Dumbledore were hiding in there too."

"We're getting off track." said FleshEater. "Riku, Stacey, counselling."

"Whatever!" said Stacey, sitting up and rubbing her head.

"You woke up just in time! Dinner's ready!" cried Riku, thrusting a bowl of the foul-smelling solution at her.

"Actually, I'm pregnant."

"NOT AGAIN!" screamed SkelleBones, walking in.

"WHADDA YA MEAN AGAIN?!" cried Riku, pulling out the Way to Dawn and holding it above his wrist.

"WHAT DO _YOU _MEAN AGAIN?!"

"She didn't tell you? She was supposed to have my sprog, but she crashed her car so a spike went through her stomach."

"I said it wasn't an abortion if it was an accident. And then I ALMOST got pregnant by Riku at our school dance."

"And you're pregnant AGAIN?"

"No, but if I was I wouldn't know whose it was."

"You're CHEATING on me?! Who with?! I'll kill him!" cried Riku, clenching his hands into fists.

"God, it's like _The Bold and the Beautiful _ in here." said FleshEater.

"I'm not bloody cheating, you fool! I wouldn't know whether it was Rumplestiltskin's or the Devil's! I got favours from both and promised each my first born child! Moron!"

"What were the favours?" asked Roxas, beginning to hum _Peanut Butter Jelly Time._

Stacey held up two fingers. "From the Devil I got my awesome guitar skills. From Rumplestiltskin I got my beauty."

Kairi laughed. "SUUURE YOU DID! God, that dude must be BLIND!"

Stacey narrowed her eyes.

**X**

Sat back in the waiting room, the gang watched Stacey wash the blood off her hands.

"I hope you don't turn into Lady Macbeth. 'Out, damned spot'!" said Sora. "The last thing I need is you creeping around at night muttering to yourself about murder. I'll never get any sleep. Not that I do, anyway. Can't you guys keep it down?"

"No." said Riku. "And Stacey, I reckon you're pretty."

She blushed slightly, and was glad she had her back to him. "Shut up, you moron."

"Whatever."

Kairi walked out of her room, a bandage around where Stacey had stabbed her. "Let's just go."

**X**

"You know, we do need a counsellor." said Stacey, walking back into the apartment. "I'll look for one on the web."

"Finally!" cried FleshEater, touching his other mark that he had gotten Stacey to do on his left cheek.

Sora typed in 'Counselling' onto the laptop that the Camcorder Kid had swapped Stacey for the lenticular card.

"Ooh, this one looks good!" said Sora, clicking on the one at the bottom on the very last page. "'The Counselling Website Very Discreetly Linked to the Mob'."

"Sounds very official." said Stacey, looking over his shoulder.

As soon as he clicked on the link, a message flashed up.

_"WARNING, ARE YOU THE POLICE?!"_

"Um, no." Sora chose 'no' on the tab.

_"WELL, THEN WELCOME! WHAT KIND OF COUNSELLING DO YOU DESIRE!"_

Sora typed in thier problem, and left the two alone.

Riku read the solution onscreen.

_"I want you two to go on a series of adventure holidays. I have booked the first one for you. I want you to drive the unmarked white truck at Mafia Boulevard to the warehouse on This-Job-Is-Completely-Legal Street."_

"Oh!" said Stacey. "I've been there before. You wouldn't believe how many guys with sunglasses hang around there. Even in Winter!"

"I know just the man to help us drive the truck. DAD!"

No answer.

"DAAAAD!"

Silence.

"DAAAADDDY DEAAREEESST!"

"If you yell again, I'll rip out your spine." said Stacey. "GUS!"

"YES?!"

"Hey, why do you answer to Stacey, but not me?!"

"MY NAME NOT DAD!"

"Meet us outside the apartments in ten minutes!"

**X**

The two waited out in the sun, Stacey rugged up warm.

"Why did you insist on wearing that outfit?" he asked, looking at her huge jacket and high boots.

"Because it's cold, dumbass. Just look at the sun. Wait a sec, what's that noise?"

The two looked up just in time to see a rocket burst through the window, and crash straight into a boat James Bond style. SkelleBones and Gus were sent flying towards Stacey and Riku, landing hard on their butts.

"Wait, was that the same rocket from Summer Hol-" started Riku.

"STOP! FOURTH WALL! BREAKING!"

"So, we need you guys to help us. We have to drive the unmarked white truck from Mafia Boulevard to the warehouse on This-Job-Is-Completely-Legal Street." said Stacey, ditching all her warm clothes to show her vest and a pair of shorts.

"Why did you just do that?"

"'Cuz tis warm. Foolish oaf."

"Riiight. Let's go."

Arriving at the truck, Gus ripped off the door and climbed in.

"Um, they left us the keys." said SkelleBones, twirling them around his finger.

"NO FUN!"

Three of them clambered in, leaving Riku outside.

"Hey, there no room for me! Gus, can I sit in the front and Jerky-Tyring-To-Steal-My-Girlfriend sits in the trailer? I AM your son after all."

"YOU'D THINK I'D LET YOU, BUT NO! SIT IN BACK!"

Riku grumbled too-rude-to-write words before getting in the back and finding himself surrounded by plastic packages of a white powder.

"COOL! WE'RE DOING SUGAR DELIVERY!" He reached into his pocket. "Just in time, this doughnut was losing its flavour."

Riku opened a bag and grabbed a handful, sprinkling it all over the food. He ate it in one big bite.

In the front of the truck, Stacey was talking to SkelleBones.

"What do you see in him?" asked SkelleBones, turning to look at her.

"Have you noticed how everyone dies by truck? FishGutter, supposedly Gus, Doctor Who."

"That doesn't answer my question, but yeah."

"He's funny and really stupid. Did you know that he saved the universe with Sora TWICE?!"

A fangirl look appeared in her eyes.

"He can't have done a very good job the first time."

"Ha-freaking-ha." she said sarcastically. "Gus, let's get outta here."

"But we're not there yet."

"I DON'T CARE!" she screamed, throwing herself out of the moving truck.

"Hmm. That was weird."

He looked to his right to see Stacey sat there again.

"How did you get here?!"

"...I ran. Duh."

"OKAY WE HERE!" said Gus, parking the truck on the side of the road. "COME ON, LET'S MOVE MERCHANDISE!"

They got out and rolled up the door. Riku fell out, wearing nothing but his tighty whities.

"So cold. So veryvery cold." he said, shivering.

"So why don't you put your clothes on?" asked Stacey.

Riku sprang up and grabbed her arms, violently shaking her.

"Why don't you put your clothes on?! AND WHO WANTS TO KNOW! THE GOVERNMENT, THAT'S WHO!"

A couple of guys in shades appeared. "So, you brought the stuff?"

"Yeah, we brought the STUFF!"

"Not so loud."

"Well, in appreciation of what you have done for us today, we are happy to say that you have rekindled your relationship.

"YAAAAY!" cried Riku, dragging it out for a minute.

"Yay, indeed. In addition, you may also take one piece of the merchandise."

"Cool, we'll have the truck." said Stacey.

"Okay, we'll unload the contents."

"No, we're taking the contents."

"You can't do that!"

"Who says?"

"My gun."

"Good point. RUN!"

Stacey jumped into the truck, followed by SkelleBones and Gus. Riku clung to the side, whooping as they drove back to the apartment.

Riku threw 1000 year old farts in bottles as the mafia people turned inside out from the stench.

Stacey left the truck in the apartment garage before taking the Way to the Dawn and locking it.

**X**

As the group sat down, the band came up to Stacey with their suitcases.

"So, you going?" she asked.

"Yeah."

"Alright, bye."

"Wow, you're not saying bye properly?" asked Riku. "That's harsh."

"They annoy me. You're slightly less annoying."

"YAAY!" cried Riku, dragging it out for twenty minutes.

Kairi finally lost it and tried to choke him with her bandage.

"So, we're gonna split." said FleshEater.

"What're you gonna do now?" asked Roxas.

"Well, me and my brother Axel are playing blackjack tonight. I can't miss that. See ya later, bros and hoes."

"BYE!" they said, waving and not seeming to realise the enormous twist that had just unfolded.

"Wait," said Stacey, after they had left. "Did you hear that?"

"Yep." said Riku, staring into space. "THE POPCORN'S READY!"

"YAY!" shouted the gang.

**X**

Thanks for reading! Sorry it took so long to update. We were stuck for ideas, but then we ate a whole bunch of sweets.

SkyLandOcean and Bro.

SQUEEDUNK AND YONKERS! LOLOL!

**X**

"RIKU! DID YOU EAT MY LIPGLOSS AGAIN?!" screeched Stacey, stomping into the living room. Riku looked up at her, as he was currently laid on the couch reading _Wheels._

"But it was cherry flavoured!" he argued. Stacey sighed.

"Eat dynamite!" She shoved a stick of it into his ear, before lighting its extremely short fuse.

She plugged her fingers into her ears, and took shelter behind the couch. Disappointingly, it did not go off. Stacey tapped her watch.

"JUST TELL THE STORY WHILE I MAKE THE DYNAMITE GO 'CRACKA BOOM!'!"

"We told it."

"Okay!" Stacey jumped under the table, as it would offer better protection than the couch.

Unfortunately, the dynamite still didn't explode.

"Stuff it. I'll make a Molotov cocktail."

"I want one." said Riku, pulling the dud dynamite out.

"Okay. Here." Stacey handed a bottle, and he sculled its contents. "Now comes the fun part."

She shoved a burning rag down his throat.


	8. The One With The Gaming Competition

Hello, SkyLandOcean and Bro here with a long-awaited chapter of Freaks. Sorry about the wait, we're just lazy.

**X**

_"So no one told you life was going to be this way._

_You're stuffed in the head, your mother's dead, your love life's DOA._

_You don't remember who you hold dear,_

_Well, it hasn't been your day, your week, your month, or even your year._

_But, I'll be there for you, when you're hit by a train_

_I'll be there for you, when Stacey throws a fit_

_I'll be there for you, cause you're there for me too."_

**X**

"I'd like to thank Mum and Dad, and Stacey, and my trusty dog Lucky, who couldn't be here today because of a freak accident with my father..." Riku was giving his acceptance speech for his Razzie for 'Worst Anything Ever'. He glared at Gus.

"HOW I SUPPOSED TO KNOW?! IT LOOK EDIBLE!"

"It had FUR! It was BREATHING! And I would just like to say that I am proud of my performance as a Mafia don who looked, dressed and sounded like Urkel. Thank you."

Riku was handed the gold statue, which he proceeded to beat the host to death with. Sora chuckled.

"WHY, WHY, WHY, WHY, WHY?!" he cried, with every blow to the man's skull.

Stacey was laughing hysterically as the man's brains slowly poured onto the ground.

Max Goof cried: "I came to back to life for this?!" just before he had his last breath for the second time in a week.

Riku, stood up, gore-splattered, and yelled "RUN!"

Stacey leapfrogged over the table and headed to the exit. Riku was right behind her. They leapt into her car beside Gus and sped off to the apartment.

Once safely inside, Riku went to his room to get changed and Stacey dropped onto the couch.

Sora, who had been abandoned back at the award ceremony, was walking past Roxas, Kairi and Namine's apartment. Suddenly, he heard curious noises.

"Take that, bitch!" came Roxas' voice.

"Oh, you are going down!" cried Kairi.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO MY GIRLFRIEND?!" Sora shouted furiously, smashing the door to pieces.

Kairi and Roxas leapt to their feet, dropping their PS3 controllers.

"Sora," said Kairi calmly. "If you can't get in, use your Keyblade. It UNLOCKS things, because that's what it does. It's a KEY."

"I didn't feel like it," said Sora, marching off.

Riku had been attracted by the noise, and stepped into the now empty doorway.

"Whatcha doin'?" he asked with his hands behind his back. He saw that they were playing Call of Duty.

"You're pretty cheerful for a guy who murdered someone twice in a week."

"HOWDIDYOUKNOWABOUTTHATWHOTOLDYOU?!"

"Erm, a little birdie," said Namine.

Donald appeared. "I told you not to tell!" he cried.

Riku roared and jumped at him, but Donald ran around him and out of the room, quacking like mad.

There was a loud thump, as Stacey hurled a guitar at Donald.

"SHUT UP, DUCK! I AM TRYING TO WATCH THE TELLY!"

She turned back to the brainbox.

_"We now return to the 'World's Funniest Torture Scenes'!"_

_"Oh, God, my thorax!"_

"Heheheh!"

"Anyway, we're practising for the big gaming contest." said Roxas, to Riku.

"Big gaming contest, what big gaming contest?"

"The one with all the awards." said Namine.

"That's not narrowing it down."

"No, that's its actual name. We made a team of me, Roxas and Kairi for the Perfect Player Trophy."

"What's the name of your team?" asked Riku, sitting down.

Kairi informed him. "Super-happy-ninja-pirate-uber-Chuck-Norris-cheese-wheel-go-team-go-unicorn-butterfly-Bruce-Lee-bananaphone-squeedunk-and-yonkers-Astro-Boy."

"Uh huh, and what's the rival team's name?"

"Get a load of this. The WILDCATS! I mean, that is the STUPIDEST crap I've ever heard!" said Roxas, and everyone burst into gales of laughter.

**X**

The gang arrived at the contest, and the second they stepped into the building, they were blinded by flashing colours and visual effects.

Namine fell over. "It's like I fell over at a contest."

"You just did." said Kairi.

"It's like my dreams are finally coming true." she answered without missing a beat.

A lifeless goon came up to them.

"Okay guysh, ish obvioush you're new to thish plashe, or you'd already have shuffered sheveral shevere sheizuresh. Look around, buy shtuff, and have fun being a shuckering noob." he said with a big lisp. Everyone ran off in their seperate directions. Riku ran to the booth babes, and Stacey lined up at the 'Give Uwe Boll a Beating Booth'.

"Okay, you have a choice of a golf club, a board with a nail in it or a morning star drenched with oil and a lighter."

Stacey, being who she was, took all three and knocked the attendant out. Then she began to wail on the director.

"WHY DID YOU MAKE _ALONE IN THE DARK _CRAPPY?!" she cried, smacking him about.

"It's a brilliant piece! Give it a chance!"

"I'll give you one second to escape!"

He tried to crawl away but she hit him and knocked him out.

"That was extremely satisfying." said Stacey. She then saw Riku talking to a booth babe, so she ran over to her and drowned her in a fryer before pulling her disfigured head off her shoulders and handing it to him.

"ARRGH!" he cried, dropping it.

"Not so pretty now, is she?!" cried Stacey, drop-kicking the head out of the window, where it landed in a pram with a two year old. Unsurprisingly, he would grow up to be the Ray Harbour Butcher.

"I was ordering some chips!" cried Riku, sobbing hysterically at the fact that he had just been made to hold a head.

"Oh, I'm sorry." said Stacey, hugging him but pinching his wallet in the process.

"Hey, we should try some of the demos." said Riku, forgetting about the head in a moment's notice.

"Yeah! I heard they have Puppy Torture 4!" Stacey dragged Riku over to the booth, where a familiar blonde with an antenna-like hairstyle was stabbing at a virtual Alsation.

"HAHAHA!" cried Larxene, slashing as she cackled.

Finally, she had enough and stood back for Stacey to have a go.

Stacey chose a baseball bat and a Corgi.

"This blood-splatter effect is AWESOME!" she cried. Riku stepped in and started up a virtual chainsaw.

"I'll take the back, you take the front."

They went to town on the animal until the onscreen ECG flatlined.

**X**

Kairi and Namine stepped into the Call of Duty 4 booth, where they were greeted with sexist comments about girls being unable to pwn noobs.

"You're like, girly-girls. Shouldn't you be playing Barbies and talking about relationships with your agony aunts? We don't care about your angst and how you want to know what the "new black" is! I heard it's green! But green isn't black! It never will be! You never make any sense!"

"See, William? This is why Stacey blew your head open and killed you," said Kairi.

"Don't insult the Keymaster!" he said, sitting back down.

The two girls exchanged glances, before Namine tipped William out of his chair and stole his computer. She put on the headset and made an announcement.

"All right, this is what's happening. An all knives match in the bog. Fifteen to one, and I promise I will beat you by twenty points, MINUMUM."

"You're getting totally pwned, ya n00b!" said Ryan.

"If I travel back in time and land on my grandmother before she has my mother, who travelled back in time to k-"

"BYE!" yelled Ryan, knowing full-well that paradoxes cause the heads of Gary Stus and Mary Sues to explode.

The match began, and Namine started by lying in the grass and LMAOed uncontrollably as she slit someone's ankles. Amazingly, it resulted in a one-hit kill.

She lay there for the next five minutes until three enemy soldiers flushed her out by stabbing at the ground. She just managed to escape, before killing two from behind, and finishing off the last guy by tossing a smoke grenade, which smashed into his head.

Seven simultaneous groans came from the boys around her, and she smirked, folding her arms over her chest.

"Drah! Was that you?" asked one of them, pointing at her. She nodded. He picked up his chair and tossed it at her, but without missing a beat, Namine gripped one of the legs and threw it into his face. He exploded, and the other guys ducked down beneath the desks, as the entrails catapulted across the room.

"That was weird," said a nerd.

"You don't know the half of it," said Zack, from under the table next to him. Then he recognised a spiky haired guy in the room.

"Cloud!" he said, crawling out from under the table and avoiding what looked like a liver.

"Zack! It's been so long! I thought you were dead! I saw you get shot to pieces! It was all BANG BANG BANG! And you were AARGH! And you bled to death!"

"Yeah, whatever. Where's my sword?"

"We have so much to talk abou-"

"Sword!"

"But we were best friends and-"

"SWORD!" he screeched.

"Fine, here's your sword." said Cloud, before gutting him. "One hundred hit points, beeatch."

**X**

"DAMMIT! DAMMIT! DAMMIT!" Roxas screamed in pain as he played the new _Dance Dance Electrocution_, the "game which punishes the lame".

"_Lame, lame, lame._" said the screen, as Roxas was violently shocked.

"Why?! Why?!!!!"

The song he was playing was "Through the Fire and Flames", on Only-Chuck-Norris-Could-Win-The-Level-Without-Being-Shocked-And-Even-He'd-Struggle mode.

_"Up, up, down, left, right, squareways, squirrel ways, magnetic North, jockey, DJ, the Notebook, southnorthsouth!"_

"What?! That doesn't even exist!"

_"LAME!" _ insisted the machine, delivering a crackling rush of static through his body. _"Dalmation! Pencilcase!"_

"ARRGH!" screamed Roxas, before summoning the Keyblade and smashing it, the way he always smashes computers that annoy him.

He leaped down and stormed off, muttering about revenge on the company.

"Kill them all!" he cried, before spying a booth that sold lamps. He picked one up and smashed himself over the head.

_"This is the song that never ends, and it goes on and on my friends. Some people started singing it, not knowing what it was, and so they'll keep on singing it forever just because: this is the song that never ends, and it goes on and on my friends. Some people started singing it, not knowing what it was, and so they'll keep on singing it forever just because: this is the- _ OWWWWW!"

He woke up abrupty as Sora stamped on his head.

"DAMMIT, I HATE YOU!" cried Roxas, standing up.

"But that means you hate yourself."

The two exchanged glances before falling over from the inconprehensivisnosity. (Yes, we made that word up. Bet you wish you did, don't you? HAHA!)

**X**

"Maeschtro, drum roll!" yelled the nerdy guy who had welcomed the gang, talking grandly. "WOW Griefers, Oblivion Nutjobs, Noobs of the Everquest universe! I present to you, the most average gaming match you'll ever see! You will not believe your eyes at the averageness of the average people who play average games!"

Kairi leaned to Namine. "Who here is average?"

Namine pointed across the room at the Camcorder Kid. "He's pretty average!"

"You think I'm average?" he asked, eyes lighting up. "Not the Anti-Sue?"

"Nah, I guess you are the Anti-Sue."

"Pleash lishen to me! You will fight againsht other playersh is your teamsh. You schall be eliminated ash the constescht progresches. Exelschior."

Stacey violently chucked a bottle at his head, smashing a hole in his face.

"TAKE IT OFF!" she yelled, and Riku grabbed her wrist to stop her from throwing more at him.

"Jeez, cool it."

"Nah!" Stacey pulled out a lighter and set his shirt aflame. Riku just stood there like a big moron while the fire crept over his clothes.

The game commenced, and team Super-happy-ninja-pirate-uber-Chuck-Norris-cheese-wheel-go-team-go-unicorn-butterfly-Bruce-Lee-bananaphone-squeedunk-and-yonkers-Astro-Boy chose the map. They decided to pick the shipyard.

The Wildcats consisted of Ryan, the Camcorder Kid and Fiona, who totally kicked butt at the last competition. Seriously, their opponents went home with empty pockets and shattered dreams. One of them even dropped a toaster in the bathtub after his defeat. Of course, it had nothing to do with Ryan calling him a useless waste of space who was personally responsible for all the horrors in the world. He filed a lawsuit against him for oxygen-wasting and won. Mainly because the defendant had already ceased to steal it. Now onto something more pleasant.

Namine pulled out a light machine gun and raked Ryan with bullets. Kairi, on the other hand had chosen the knife, and charged Fiona's avatar with it. Fiona pulled a Desert Eagle and slugged her in the head, but because she had chosen Spy Class, Kairi's avatar dropped a grenade. Fiona should have been blown to Kingdom Hearts, but she was instead given a health bonus.

Kairi leaned opver the computer terminal and grabbed a fistful of Fiona's hair, before smashing her head on the screen.

"MARY SUE! STACEY, GET HER!"

"It'd be my pleasure." Stacey performed a _Mortal Kombat _style finisher, ripping out her heart and holding it aloft.

"Okay, it scheems Fiona Rawland ish out of the competition due to her unexpected murder, scho thisch isch gonna be pretty closche."

The battle became increasingly tied, with each side dying as often as the other. Namine and the Camcorder Kid faced off in an epic showdown, which ended in an real life bitch slapping competition.

"Loser!"

"Moron!"

Insults of varying degrees of intensity and decipherability were thrown between the two.

"Lumpish hasty-witted horn-beast!"

"Bludgeoned fobbing elf-skinned flap-dragon!"

"Droning doghearted codpiece!"

"Why are you guys insulting like Shakespeare?" asked Stacey, folding her arms and rolling her eyes.

"Thoust mother!" cried Namine. A rough translation of "Yo mama".

It was possibly the biggest mistake she would ever make. Stacey leapt on her before yanking at her hair, ripping fistfuls out of her scalp. Namine screeched with pain and surprise, running around randomly, hoping to shake Stacey off or bang her against something. Stacey bit into Namine's fingers, which were joined to her hands, which were trying to push her off.

MeanMattDamon, the gaming battle was intensifying. Roxas had dropped out because he saw a gorilla handing out lollies and wanted to capture it for his collection of weird and wacky creatures. Understandably, he had already catalogued his friends.

Kairi and Ryan remained in the game, trying to outsmart each other. Kairi jumped onto a pile of tires before leaping on top of a container while Ryan ran all over the place in an effort to find "PrincessDeathKill" as she had named herself.

As he turned his back, she lined up the perfect shot. However, the game glitched and the bullet missed by a mile. Ryan heard it, swung around, and got a lock on her.

They two stared at their screens, sweat breaking out on the back of their necks. Whoever fired first would be the grand champion and whoever lost would wallow in their own tears.

They clicked.

The bullets - in an epic error of computer programming - bounced off each other and returned to sender. They were both killed instantly.

"No, wait, who won?!" cried Stacey, as the two avatars toppled off their feet and blood began to blossom from their wounds.

"Hold on, the results are in!"

"Ryan was hit 0.00001 second before Kairi was hit. Therefore we can ascertain from that our victor. Kairi won!"

"Who the hell's Victor and how do I kill him?!" cried Kairi, cocking a shotgun.

"You are the victor," said Riku. "It means you won!"

"WHOO! I BEAT THE MARY SUE BITCHES!"

**X**

Thanks for reading, and here is our post-ending part.

**X**

Sora woke with a start, and noted with alarm that he was running late for school.

He looked down at himself and realised with the utmost rage that he had been dreaming the past few adventures when only eight hours had passed.

"Graah! Me and my stupidly overactive imagination."

He threw his bedsheets off and stood up. Then he fell over. Then he stood up. Then he did the cancan.

He woke up in his normal apartment bed, wondering what the hell had just happened.

"What the hell just happened?" he asked himself, standing up again. Sora glanced out of the window and saw clocks floating upwards.

"Eh, just another day."

Mothra flew by the window and handed him a carton of milk.

"RIKU, STACEY! THE MILK'S BEEN DELIVERED! BY MOTHRA, NO LESS!"

"You think that's weird?" asked Godzilla, handing him a giant egg. "Yeah, that's one of my kids. Well, it would be if the damn thing'd hatch."

Then it hatched and ate him whole.

Sora woke up a third time, and saw Riku sticking a straw in through his ear.

"RIKU WHAT THE HELL?!" he yelled.

"Messin' with ya dreams," he said, pushing the straw further in.

"I told him to," said Stacey, looking proud. "I used to do it to my sister all the time."

"Uh, who's your sister?"

Maleficent walked in.

"AARGH! KILLIT KILLIT KIIIIIILLLL IIIIIT!" screamed Sora, bashing his own head in with a bedside clock.

"Why do you look thirty years older?" asked Riku.

"Well, when Stacey messed with my brain it made me incredibly evil and stimulated my growth hormone."

"That's an interesting story. Would you like to stay for breakfast?" asked Riku.

"Didn't she try to kill you three times?" asked Stacey.

"Yeah but that's all behind us," said Maleficent. "Do you guys have any Special K?"

The three left, Sora remaining behind.

"Hahaha, deliciously evil," said Sora, rubbing his thumb along the edge of an axe.


	9. The One With The Flames Of Hell

Welcome to Freaks! This will be the final chapter in the Summer Holiday Trilogy. So sit back, relax and absorb the gamma radiation from your computer screen while we wind out the tale of wonderment.

Disclaimer: We don't own Kingdom Hearts or Final Fantasy, or anything related to it (though we wish we did) but we own all OCs here. So no stealing, invent your own Gary Stu, teenage weirdos.

**X**

_"So no one told you life was going to be this way._

_You're stuffed in the head, your mother's dead, your love life's DOA._

_You don't remember who you hold dear,_

_Well, it hasn't been your day, your week, your month, or even your year._

_But, I'll be there for you, when you're hit by a train_

_I'll be there for you, when Stacey throws a fit_

_I'll be there for you, cause you're there for me too."_

**X**

Riku held out a hand filled with straws. The group examined them cautiously and then each drew one out.

Sora took one and squeezed his eyes shut, opening them to find that his was literally fifteen metres long.

"WHOO! I DON'T HAVE TO GET THE SHOPPING!" cried Sora, before running back to the TV.

_"'We now return to the 'World's Funniest Torture Scenes'!"_

_"ARGH! My Balzac!" _cried Beethoven.

"HAHAHA! It's funny because it's a historical joke that has no place in a fanfic this random!"

Roxas went next. He pulled out a fairly short straw. He whimpered softly and went into the foetal position.

"I don't get it, why are you drawing straws? And why is Roxas crying like a baby?"

"Because there are three thousand people in the shops who will all be completely crazily angry!" said Sora. "Now shut up! I'm trying to watch them cut all the hamburgers out of Elvis."

_"'ARGH! MY STOMACH! Uh-huh'."_

Namine took hers, finding a medium one and patting Roxas on the head. "It looks like you're getting the shopping."

"I DON'T WANT TO!" he cried, grabbing her jeans and crying into them.

"Well, I don't want to either. Luckily, I don't have to, because you're getting it."

"You are made of bitch!" said Kairi, high-fiving her.

Kairi quickly ripped hers out, finding an eight metre one. "WHOO!"

"Riku, how the hell are you fitting all those straws in your hand?" asked Stacey, pulling hers out.

"Uh, I'm MAGIC!"

Stacey looked at hers with her eyes crossed to examine its minute details. She could barely see it, and would have used a microscope to see it if she hadn't donated it to Science. Science was the name of a crazy guy who liked to spit on people.

Riku looked at the final straw and found his to be significantly longer than hers.

"HAHA! Stacey's got the shortest one!" he said in a sing-song tone.

"HAHA! I will kick you in the throat!" Stacey proceeded to do just that, stomping out of the door and going to the shops.

**X**

Stacey walked out towards the front of the shop, hating the tinny music playing in the carpark. She took a deep breath, stepped forward and was killed instantly by a speeding truck.

**X**

Riku dipped his hand into the bag of microwave popcorn on his lap, watching the lawn bowls championship on SBS. Kairi was in the kitchen, looking for food that seemed even remotely edible. When she had tried to take a piece of Riku's popcorn, he almost had her hand off.

"NO! Mine! Go find other food!"

"But all you have is half-eaten rodent!"

"Then eat half-eaten rodent!"

"But it's green! Rats aren't green!"

"Then it's a mouse!"

Kairi shook her head. "I fail to see your logic. I'm gonna go call the men in the white coats." She pulled out her mobile and pressed speed dial, calling Sergeant Slaughter's Nutjob Facility.

There was a knock at the door.

"Huh, speedy service." Kairi opened it to find two police officers. "I'm not selling coke, you don't have any evidence, go back and get a warrant." She started to shut the door, but one of them threw out a hand and stopped her.

"I'll ignore that because I feel sorry for you. Could you round up your friends and sit them all on the sofa?"

"I can get them all except for Stacey. She's getting our shopping for us, because she's so nice. What's this about, anyway?" Kairi looked between them, narrowing her eyes.

"Could you please just do it for us?"

"Fine, but this isn't a crack den. Well, at least by the time you get a warrant it won't be."

**X**

The gang all sat on the sofa, with Namine and Roxas sat on the arms because of the minimal amount of room.

The police stood on the opposite side of the room, in front of the TV.

"At approximately 7:30 tonight-"

"Hey, that's when Stacey went shopping!" said Sora, with a big goofy grin.

"That's just the thing. Anastasia Rasputin Bartok Dimitri Endolen was hit and killed by a speeding truck while crossing the road."

Everyone's eyes widened and they began to cry. Sora screamed hysterically, breaking all the windows.

Riku just sat with a smirk on his face.

"RIKU! WHAT THE HELL?!" screamed Kairi, hitting him upside the head.

He shook his head and looked up. "Sorry, I blacked out. What's going on?"

"ANASTASIA ENDOLEN WAS HIT AND KILLED BY A SPEEDING TRUCK!" yelled Namine, standing in front of him.

"I don't know any Anastasias!"

"Stacey!" cried one of the officers.

Riku began to make a humming sound, and his friends' faces changed from sadness to horror, except for Sora. He was still screaming.

Roxas threw open the door and dragged all his friends out. Instead of waiting for the elevator, he forced it open with his Keyblade and they all jumped down the shaft. They ran out into the street.

Sora clutched Riku's shoulders and they began to scream in turn. Riku's shattered all the windows in the city and Sora's made all the dogs howl.

The group on the ground clutched their ears and waited for it to end.

**X**

Stacey woke up in a world of flames. She looked around to see torture and ruin.

"Huh, it looks like someone being forced to watch Twilight. Zing!"

"It's about time you got here," came a voice from behind, and she whirled around.

"Who the hell are you?" asked Stacey.

"I am Lucifer."

Stacey looked up at the ceiling. "Um..."

"THE DEVIL, YOU MORON!"

"Oh, you are DEAD!" She threw a punch at his stomach, which was the heighest area she could reach. Her fist bounced back and hit her in the face. "Youch!"

"Hahahaha. Let me show you to your room."

He seized her by the wrist and dragged her into a hall which was reminiscent of a hotel. With flamey walls.

Stacey struggled, but she was thrown through an open door. It had four walls, one of which was covered by a thick curtain, behind which was a set of bars seperating two rooms.

"Here is your bed, which is where you will sleep."

"Really? That's new. I normally hang upside down like a bat." Stacey rolled her eyes.

"Really? So do I!"

"You sir, are a freak."

Then the queen sized bed folded over into a single, the space between bursting into flames and cooking like a grill.

"You thought I would have lied down earlier, didn't you?"

"Heh, yeah. Here is your TV, a 6 inch Panasonic from 1973."

"Uh huh. Dude, I will tell you this for free. You need to update. Allow me to remind you four more times: update, update, update, update and once more for good measure. Update."

"We only have one show, and we think it's quality entertainment."

"Let's see it then."

As the Devil switched the television on, Stacey gripped her hair and began to scream.

"No! NO! NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

_"'That's how you make Squidward burgers.' _

_'Now for Sora's interviews!'_

_'Today we will interview Jack Thompson!'"_

"Yes, I agree. It is quite horrific."

"You just said it was quality entertainment! And don't insult my friends! They made this show!"

"You just yelled 'NOOOOOOOOOOOOO' in a very dramatic fashion!"

"So? I'm allowed to insult 'em."

The Devil grunted. "I'll see you at six AM for some torture, followed by more torture, followed by a light lunch and even more torture before a port house steak dinner, and then a little more torture and lights out at ten."

"No! That is the greatest torture of all! Wait, do we get any bathroom breaks?"

"The bathroom's all around you."

"I'm gonna crap on your shoes one of these days."

"You wouldn't be the first." The Devil left the room, and Stacey sunk to the floor, re-examining her surroundings.

"I've been in worse bathrooms."

**X**

Everyone was back in the apartment, making funeral plans.

"How about this casket? It has a TV," said Namine, pointing one out in a catalogue. Like everyone else, she was surrounded by used Kleenexes and holding tightly to a stuffed animal.

"Stacey loved to watch TV," said Riku, sobbing quietly.

"Enough with the 'Stacey loved' stuff! Stacey loved to maim puppies, Stacey loved to kill Mary Sues, even though she is an obvious example, Stacey loved to play as a level 255 Dunmer in Oblivion! Stacey loved this and that! SHUT UP! SHE HATED YOU! SHE ALWAYS HATED YOU! I BET SHE'S DOWN IN HELL RIGHT NOW TALKING ABOUT HOW MUCH SHE HATES YOU!"

Everyone looked at Roxas with horror in their eyes, while Riku broke down into an inconsolable mess.

**X**

"I miss Riku!" screamed Stacey, kicking the wall so hard that she fell backwards onto the floor.

"Psst, Stacey. It's me."

"And me."

"And me."

"No way!" yelled Stacey. "This really is Hell! You three are here!"

"Hey, that isn't any way to treat your lil sis," said Tracaeye. Her pink hair was uncharacteristically limp and stringy. By her side was Ryan, holding hands with Fiona.

"Wow, you look like - well, Hell."

"I know. It turns out that they treat Mary Sues like complete poopie in here."

"Oh crap, I'm doomed," said Stacey, her eyes widening.

"I know," said Ryan. "The only reason I was able to come back a few times was because I managed to decrease my Stuness."

Stacey asked how he managed it.

"I'm a Stu. I can do anything. But because of the paradox I keep getting sucked back in."

"He wouldn't let you out anyway."

"We drugged the guards with a special Stu potion. They were in the bathroom for hours."

"I'd better watch where I step. How do you make this potion?"

"Here." Tracaeye handed her a bottle through the bars. "As you reduce your Mary Sueness, the bottle will fill and you can use it as a drug."

"Wait a minute, the devil will notice if I'm not here." She pulled some straw from her pockets and somehow constructed a scarecrow from it. She wrote "Stacey" on the front of a white t shirt and put it on it. "Done."

"You have only twelve hours until torture. Reduce your Sueness, and fast! Fail at everything you try! Mispell words!"

"Wot yoo sae?"

"You're doing great."

"Okae, thumz upsie!"

"The bottle is filling!"

_"It's the eye of the tiger, it's the thrill of the fight, rising up to the challenge of our rivals!"_

Stacey attempted a pushup but slammed her face into the floor.

_"And the last known survivor stalks his prey in the night, and he's watching us all with the eye of the tiger!"_

"You must become an Anti-Sue!"

"Eye cen doo eet!" Stacey ran on a treadmill, which she accidentally flipped onto full speed. Unable to keep up, she was flung roughly against the boiling metal bars.

"Okay, now do a 360 flip 180 to manual invert!"

"I don't have a skateboard."

"FAIL!" yelled Tracaeye. The bottle was almost full.

"Your final test: a math quiz."

Stacey wrote a complex sum on the wall.

"You got ninety nine percent. You fail at failing! You win!" The bottle immediately tipped out.

"You had to say it." Stacey facepalmed and began again.

"Wait a sec," cried Fiona "You failed to fill the bottle! You fail!"

The bottle refilled so much it overflowed.

**X**

The group sat on cheap plastic chairs in the graveyard. Everyone was clad in black, as is the norm at a funeral. Larry the Llama was crying, rather than spitting into a bucket like he normally would have.

Riku was delivering a eulogy.

"I've known Stacey for about eight months, and among this congregation, I knew her best. She was in a word: awesome. She killed people who looked at her funny, she stole cars from airport carparks and she really annoyed the mafia as we stole their truck of drugs. I was totally high that time, I swear I died for at least a minute. I kept screaming anyway."

"Riku, this is your girlfriend's funeral. This isn't the right place to talk about death," said Kairi.

"Begone with thee!"

"Thoust mother!"

"Whatever. Anyway, the fact remains that Stacey has left the waking world."

"SHE GOT NO BRAIN! GOT SQUISHED OUT BY TRUCK! I NEVER ADMIT, BUT I WAS DRIVER!"

Riku's jaw dropped.

"CONTINUE! NO PIN DEATH ON ME OR YOU NEXT!"

"Whatevs. I'll take brutal and swift revenge on you later."

"THAT MY BOY! THAT'S WHAT I DO TO MY PARENTS! YOU TAKE AFTER YOUR DADDY! I SO PROUD!"

Suddenly there was a thumping in the coffin, and everyone freaked out.

"IT'S PIXIE FAIRIES WHO WANT MY SOUL! MOVE!" Gus screamed, mowing everyone down as he ran and throwing Sora through twelve plastic chairs.

"God, this is like WWE: Funeral Edition!"

A fist burst through the coffin, and Stacey threw the lid off, sitting up. She combed bits of wood from her hair as she examined the bewildered group.

"What can I say? Other than 'I'm back, baby', I can't think of any witty quote."

"Stacey! You're okay! But your body was all munted and covered in blood!"

"Duh, the number one rule of resurrection is you always look good."

"That makes no sense, but welcome back."

The whole group gathered to hug her, and she was too tired from her de-Sueing to fight back.

"Eh, screw you all. Especially you, Santa."

"Santa's not here."

"Yeah, well screw him anyway. He filled my stocking with coal. While I was wearing it. Don't worry, he'll get his." Stacey had learned to wire bombs from observing her uncle.

_MarySuewhile..._

"Honey, I'm going down to the elf mine! I'll be back in an hour!" Santa put the key in the ignition of his sled. It turns out Stacey's skills were very good.

**X**

As the group walked onto the ground floor of the apartment building, a sudden chill overcame them all.

"What's this feeling? So familiar..." said Kairi.

"You have the purest blood of all!"

"Son of a bitch," said Sora under his breath.

"I have a right to kill you!" yelled Pooh. "You backhanded me for no reason!"

"IT'S BECAUSE YOU'RE ANNOYING!" yelled Namine.

"Your mum's annoying!"

"Oh, you take that back."

"That's what she said!"

Everyone loaded their weapons that they pulled from The Weapons Cache That Never Was.

Pooh leapt on Kairi, pulling out two small double edged swords. She threw her leg around, catching him in the face and allowing Sora to hit him with a downward strike that cut off an ear.

He landed on the ground, ignoring his wound and tossing one blade at Stacey, who caught it and threw it directly back at him. "I'm used to doing that! P-U-B-I-C SCHOOL!"

"Stacey, it's P-U-B-L-I-C school!"

"Whatevs! I call it whatever I want! Most people call it pre-jail."

Pooh dived to the side with a combat shotgun, firing it at Roxas. One piece of buckshot hit him in the arm, but he managed to ignore the pain and hit Pooh in the stomach with three hard snap kicks.

"Damn, you're getting your ass kicked today!"

"SUPERMEGAULTRARAY!"

The group screamed in horror and tried to escape, but Pooh fired a hot laser from his eyes that burned through the wall. Kairi screamed as her hair was set alight, and grabbed a janitor's bucket to shove her head into.

"WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT SHIT?!" screamed Sora, dodging under the ray and running around to Pooh's side. He swept the cuddly bear off his feet with his Keyblade, causing the beam to run in a ragged stripe up the wall and into the ceiling. The whole building burst into flames as the beam continued up into the sky, slicing a jet in half. It fell down, spiraling as it came closer to landing on the apartments.

"Why does this not surprise me?" asked Namine. She quickly scribbled something into her notebook. "When he takes a plane, call him during the beginning of the flight. It will crash. Laugh."

"Let's get the hell outta here!" The teens ran out, but Pooh hadn't realised what was happening.

"I win! HAHA!" SMASH!

The apartment exploded into flames as they got into the street.

"What do we do now?" asked Kairi, playing with her hair. It had lost a few centimetres of length from the flames.

"Our main enemy is dead, our home is destroyed. Looks like we're boned, and our out-of-character adventures are over." Riku sighed.

Then it began to rain mail. The plane had been delivering airmail when it had been destroyed, and ten huge sacks had opened midair, spilling their contents. Sora looked up and got hit in the eye by the corner of a letter, which was lodged into him.

"Ow! Ow, gedditout!' Stacey stepped forward and pulled hard, freeing the envelope.

"Hey, it has the King's seal."

She handed it to Riku, who opened it and read aloud.

"Okay, it seems our adventures aren't over after all."

**X**

This is the end of the chapter, and sadly Freaks. But rest assured, more is yet to come! Hopefully their next adventure will be even more batshit insane!

SkyLandOcean and Bro


End file.
